You Apes really know how to screw things up!

Apparently you’ve all fiddled with your clocks, turning this into only a 23 hour day. How is a Cat supposed get through such an adjustment? I have a set nap schedule which is now right down the toilet.

Now I have to figure out what I can live without today…

• Cancel one nap bringing the daily total down to 17 naps. (I’m tired just thinking about it)
• Cancel one trip to the Litterbox in favour of closer dumping grounds. (Shoes make great alternatives)
• Cancel one Tuna feeding. (Not happening!)
• Cancel one beating of ScapeGoat The Dog. (This is my only exercise!)
• Cancel one Snuggle with either the Big Hairless Ape or the Big Haired Wife. (But I need my snuggles!)

After some research into this problem I discovered that the clocks also GO BACK an hour in October. So what’s the point?

But it doesn’t end there either. Apparently every 4 years you add an entire day to make up for the shortcomings of the moronic mathematician who designed the calendar. Division was obviously not this guys strong point.

You Apes really need to start living day to day like us Cats. No adjustments required and each day is exactly like the day before. Just as nature intended.

Some Silly Ape Asks:

• "Why do they call it getting fixed? Doesn’t the procedure really end up with ya being broken? Do you find yourself still attracted to broken female kitty?"

The day the v-e-t lobbed them off is the day my intelligence increased exponentially. (Go figure!) It did ‘fix’ me so I can concentrate better. Perhaps that’s what they mean by that term?

On the plus side, I no longer have to wear those kitty-condoms. Ever try to use one of those when all you have to work with is claws? Doesn’t work out too well. It’s like carrying a gallon of water in a pillow case.

Broken Female Kitties? I prefer them. Who wants a female with 82 kids? Imagine the litterbox!

As you are aware, I’ve been absent for some time from the blog. My plan to live between two families only landing me in the pound. (I made a dog my ‘bitch’ while I was in there!) I’ve been locked in this house ever since the Apes sprung me.

After months of no computer access the Big Hairless Ape finally brought home a new desktop computer. As happy as I was to see this machine, I still felt the Big Hairless Ape needed to be punished for keeping me away for so long.

Since he was so proud of his shiny new Windows 7 machine, I decided to have a little fun.

The first morning the Big Hairless Ape sat down at his new computer he was greeted with the following system message:

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed Linux."

Yup! I wiped his hard drive and installed Linux. It was so much fun to sit in his chair while he paced around the room yelling at Technical Support.

"How the Hell does this happen?" he barked into the phone. After a short pause he yells, "No! Nobody here installed it! Windows did it itself!" Another pause. "I am NOT crazy!"

I had to crank up the purring a notch to hide my laughter. This is just too much fun to do only once, don’t you think?

Later that day the computer was replaced by the store. Once again the Big Hairless Ape beamed over his new machine. And, once again, he woke up the next day to a surprise.

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed MS-DOS"

This one had even better results. Not only was the phone call longer and louder, it cost him $55.00 to have Windows 7 reinstalled. Since the warranty doesn’t cover wiping and installing of alternative operating systems, there was a shop charge.

The rest of the week saw these:

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed OS/2"
"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed AmigaDOS"

And my all-time favourite…

Long story short… That computer now sits in the basement where I sleep. The Big Hairless Ape gave up and bought another one leaving this one abandoned and forgotten. I wasn’t expecting a payoff with this prank, but I’ll take it! Now I have 24 hour internet access!

All I can say is… I’M BACK BABY!!

That’s right! I finally got sick of the Big Hairless Ape’s inability to bring the damned laptop computer home. It’s been months since I’ve been online. I needed a second family with a desktop dinosaur that wasn’t going to move even if you want it to. You know… The ones with the 50lb monitor sitting on top of it. Nothing short of a twister would pick one of these up let alone someone forgetting to bring it home.

But who would I suck up to? The neighbourhood has very few quality choices. A fact I’ve discovered over the past few months.

Here are some of my initial failed choices:

• A Taxidermist – I just didn’t like the way he kept measuring and looking at me.
• A Crack-head – Damned near starved to death living with this idiot. Not to mention he sold his computer plus I was traded 3 times for more junk.
• A Pothead – Exact opposite to the Crack-head in regard to diet. Always plenty of nibblies around. I gained 5 lbs in a week living there. It didn’t work out too well, though. The 2nd hand pot smoke was causing me to sleep through half of my daily naps! I never did get to the computer there. I always seemed distracted for some reason.
• Crack-head again – Had to lose the weight I gained during my stay with the Pothead. Traded twice more.
• Several Nerds – This turned out to be the worst set of choices. Just try and pry a nerd off a computer! Can’t be done!
• Several People with Microsoft Vista OS – Hey! I wasn’t THAT desperate to get online! For a hasty exit I crapped on their carpet, effectively launching myself into ape-powered flight out the front door.
• Sisters at the corner – Yikes! Only one night there left me with the feeling they aren’t sisters at all!
• Brothers at other corner – What the Hell is wrong with you Apes?!

I was about to give up after that last one but I pushed on. That’s when I saw it through the window. A true relic of a computer with a monster monitor sitting on top. That puppy (pardon the expression) wasn’t going anywhere!

Time to work some magic. Pity is a great tool when seducing a new family. For added effect I returned to the Crack-head’s house and starved for an addional week. (You guessed it… more trading) As much as I hate burdock burrs, I strategically placed several over my body. A quick run through a puddle to dirty up the paws is always a nice touch too.

And, voilà! Poor homeless kitty.

Returning to the house, I hung around waiting for this primate family to come home. First home was the mother; a chatty, purky thing that never shuts up. But hey! Beggars can’t be choosers.

Trying to look as pethetically cute as possible, I immediately ran to her and started my figure-eight routine around her ancles. She was on her phone and announced to the caller that she’d just found a poor homeless Cat and she’d have to call back later. (Man… I am GOOD!)

After plenty of food, a bath and brushing, the evening finally wound down enough for Chatty to go to bed. Man this Ape can talk! She never shut up all night. Apparently there’s more to this brood I found out from the steady stream of verbal perkiness which should only come from cartoon characters. They’re away until next week, but I can only assume they’re all deaf or close to it.

One slight backfire though. Turns out she knows how to use a computer. She’s made up signs with pictures to try and find my owners. She’s going to post them all over the neighbourhood tomorrow. I’m only three blocks away from home, so I’m going to have to sneak back so the Big Hairless Ape doesn’t notice me missing.

Yup! Two families! And computer access. Now I just have to figure out how to pull it off. Going to need a schedule, me thinks.

Some silly Ape asks:

• “ummm hey gorge. How do you feel about the.. the apes calling the female genitalia the same nickname as your beautiful species? Does this trouble or offend you and your kind? Hit me back.”

Thank you! Finally! Someone brings this to light!

I’ve often wondered about this myself. I’ve seen one of those female Ape things and I have to say they need to do whatever it takes to make that thing look attractive. Including giving it a cute name.

They also call their posterior an ‘ass’. Why they named it after a donkey is beyond me. 

On the other side of the coin you have male Apes calling theirs a ‘tool’. Why? Are they running around the house fixing things with it? Not really. The only practical use I’ve seen is it’s ability to make golden designs in the snow. If anything, they should refer to is as ‘my artist’.

I am just so glad that Apes wear clothing. If they didn’t I’d be doing a hell of a lot more sleeping and a lot less cuddling with them.

As far as being troubled or offended, everything you Apes do troubles and offends me. Why should this be any different?