I hear them on TV, the Radio, and I’ve seen them on the Internet. Analogies and Phrases regarding Cats and their use to help Apes make a point in conversation. Granted, some are true, but most are nothing more than a fabrication of lies at the Cat’s expense. This simply will not do!

So I skipped a nap and came up with a list of Phrases and explanations which should help you Apes realize that some of these really aren’t helping your conversations at all.

Here we go:

• "It’s the Cat’s meow!" (ApeLore: Something handy or favourable) - First off, the only reason we meow is to get an Apes attention. It can mean anything from "Fill my food dish, you bastard!" to "If you don’t scoop my litter box soon, I’m going to crap in your boot!" Secondly, a meow is not a Cat’s primary form of communication. If you hear us meow, you’d better bloody well pay attention!!
• "It’s the Cat’s Ass!" (ApeLore: Extremely handy or favourable) - Have you ever smelt or tasted a Cat’s ass? I have! It’s not very pleasant. I only do this out of necessity after each trip to the litter box since toilet paper and claws makes for a painful cleanup. Snuggling up to an Ape and licking their face afterwards tends to dull the taste anyway.
• "It’s raining Cats and Dogs!" (ApeLore: It’s raining very hard) - Absurd! You would never see Cats and Dogs in the same downpour!
• "Like a Cat on a hot tin roof." (ApeLore: Extremely agitated) - Only the inbred and utterly stupid Cats would ever attempt this! (Yes, each species has their fair share of morons. Cats are no exception.)
• "Cat got your tongue?" (ApeLore: Speechless) - Totally gross! What the Hell would we want with the tongue of an Ape? I’ve seen a couple of Ape activities involving the tongue… Enough said!
• "There’s more than one way to skin a Cat." (ApeLore: Multiple options) - Are you serious? And here I thought hacking away with a knife was the only way!
• "Curiosity killed the Cat." (ApeLore: Warning about being curious) - No, poor footing and a wet surface killed the Cat.
• "You can’t swing a dead Cat in here." (ApeLore: It’s crowded) - The swinging of dead Cats is not a practical way of determining personal space. First off, we’re dead! Leave us alone! Second, carrying around a dead cat likely isn’t going to get you that date at last call. I don’t care how drunk he or she is!

So there you have it. Next time you’re having a conversation and you need to make an analogy, leave us the Hell out of it!