As we bring the Ape year 2007 to a close, I see a lot of speculation of what’s to come in the next 365 days.

I’m not one to jump on a band wagon, (unless it’s loaded with fish) but I thought I would make a few predictions of my own.

• The Big Hairless Ape will get bigger and more hairless.
• The Wet One will become slightly less wet as time goes on. I predict once he reaches his teen years, he’ll just be wet in other ways.
• The Big Haired Wife will use more makeup in a failed attempt to sustain her youth.
• The dog, ScapeGoat, will get bigger and uglier.
• Bush will once again simply mean “shrubbery”
• Cats will rise to rule the earth. (Ooops, supposed to keep this quiet.)
• The apple in Fruit Of The Loom will be replaced with a peach after threatened lawsuits from Apple Corp.
• Facebook will turn millions of users into mindless zombies. (This may have already happened.)
• Google and Digg will merge to become Giggle.
• MicroSoft will develop a pill named after the company that will counter the effects of Viagra. (You might want to wait for SP1 before trying this!)
• I will eat 150lbs of food and produce 340lbs of litter lumps. (I should put money on this one!)
• Ape youth will stop dressing like pimps and pull their pants up! (A long shot but I thought I would throw that in anyway.)

Well, there you have it. Feel free to post a comment if you wish to add to this.

The Apes have gone away for the evening and I’m bored.

Normally I just nap when feeling like this, but tonight I decided to explore the Big Hairless Ape’s computer files. Just as I was getting bored with this I discovered a directory of music files.

I remember these too. The Big Hairless Ape used to play these rather loudly before the arrival of the Big Haired Wife and subsequently; The Wet One. He used to listen after smoking a twisted paper of greenery while providing me with hours of petting. Those were the days! Things have been too damned quiet since the arrival of the other two.

So tonight, I have the tunes extremely cranked! ScapeGoat is hiding under the couch thinking this must be the end of the world or something.

I have some musical favourites too. I know what you’re thinking. And no, I’m not going to start rambling off Cat-related music like Cat Stevens, or songs like Cat’s in the Cradle, or Cat Scratch Fever. I know damned well these have nothing to do with Cats.

We’re talking about Progressive Metal here. Bands like Jorn, Nightwish, Stratovarious, and Ayreon to name a few. As much as I believe myself to be a great vocalist, (just ask the neighbours after I’ve been out all night) I could never belt out tunes like these Apes.

I’d make a great Metal Head too!

{… Gorgeous imagines himself all done up like a rocker. Long head hair, tattooed ears, piercings galore, with a side order of purple streaking throughout his fur…}

Okay, maybe not. But it’s sure fun to think about!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,music,heavy metal,Jorn,Nightwish,Stratovarious,Aryeon

Finally! Another dumb question to answer.

Some silly Ape asks:

• "Dear gorgeous
  I read your blog for a few days now. Quite funny!

  One thing that I don’t understand is what the day numbers mean? You title your posts Day 1276. etc. What does this mean?"

{…Gorgeous plays another round of "Tip The Pug" with ScapeGoat (the dog) while he ponders the question…}

First off, you didn’t capitalize the first letter of my name. Names should always have the first letter capitalized. Especially mine!

Second, funny? I’m not sure what you mean by this. I simply talk about the world as it is.

Now, onto your primary question. "What do the day numbers mean?" I didn’t think this would be all that confusing, but I will clarify anyway.

It’s my age. Today, I’m 1277 days old. You Apes like to bundle the days up into weeks, months, and years. Cats have no need to do this. In Ape terms this would make me 3.4986301369863013698630136986301 years old. It’s much easier to say 1277 days, is it not?

Take a 30 year old female Ape for example. She would never use a large day number like 10,950 to describe her age. Hell, she’s even reluctant to admit to being 30 and will lie and say 29. This makes no sense to me. There’s not a whole lot of difference between being 10,585 and 10,950 days old, is there?

For me, it’s easier to remember past events too. For instance, on Day 1273, I was tossed outside for the day while the Apes had their Christmas dinner. This will always be Day 1273 to me. Not 3 years ago, or 10 years ago, etc.

No wonder you Apes have such a hard time keeping track of things. Lumping the days together into weeks, months, and years, instantly requires math to get your point across.

And let’s face it, some of you aren’t exactly the brightest variable in the algorithm, are you?

I knew there was something going on this morning after breakfast when I saw the emergence of the carrier cage from the closet. The first time I saw this thing I lost my most precious commodity: my testicles. The Apes use this thing to transport me to the v-e-t. (I still have no idea why this needs to be spelt, it just does!)

The second time I saw the carrier cage I was poked, probed, then stuck with needles. Painful as Hell!

What sinister plan were the Apes working on this time? Did the Big Haired Wife need a new fur coat? Catgut for the guitar? Were they going to de-claw me? Have I been signed up for genetic experimentation I’ve been reading so much about?

I wasn’t about to find out. So I decided to hide before they were ready to grab me. I had the perfect spot too. There was only one thing I didn’t count on. ScapeGoat; the dog who doesn’t know when to shut the Hell up! He ratted me out. Little bastard!

As it turns out, we were both thrown into the carrier and taken to the v-e-t. I’m not sure what happened to ScapeGoat, but I could hear him yelping from the next room.

Me? I got something I wasn’t counting on. The v-e-t shoved an ice cold thermometer up my butt. What’s up with that you sick bastard? It took hours before my ears stood up again; pinned to my head until I was home and comfortable again. I didn’t even notice the shots I got shortly after that little piece of exploration.

You want an accurate temperature reading? How about: Blood-boiling HOT! I’m very pissed about the whole ordeal. I feel so violated!

Then again, it’s the most action I’ve seen since losing my boys. It still doesn’t make it right.

Why would you even try to intrude on the perfection which is us? You Apes just don’t know when to quit. Cats are perfect as is. Do you really think you can improve upon this?

Pictured here is a cat which has been genetically modified to glow in the dark. What good is this? Cats depend on their stealth to hunt, and here you go and take that away by making us glow in the dark. You might as well put a neon sign on our ass saying, "Danger to mice. Run like Hell!"

Another story I came across is a modified Cat which is hypoallergenic. I pride myself on the fact I can bring down a 6-foot Ape by my mere presence. Watching them bent over and wheezing for breath makes my day every time!

Also, a Cat which never grows up? Yes, that’s being worked on as we speak. Genetically modified to stay "kitten size" for it’s entire life. This would just create a race of Cats which would get their asses kicked by your average rodent.

Mice aren’t free from this tampering either. Although, I can see advantages in some of these experiments. One strain of altered mice have no fear of Cats. No, they aren’t brave mice, just stupid; not knowing there is a danger factor when confronted by a Cat.

This is my favourite: Schizophrenic mice. Genetically altered to have personality problems. I think I actually came across one of these once:

"That Cat’s going to eat me."
"No it isn’t"
"Yes it is"
"No it isn’t"
"Yes it is"

Newsflash: I did! While it was sitting there muttering to itself, I gulped it down.

It’s amazing that you Apes will stop at nothing when it comes to tampering with the Animal Kingdom. Yet, when someone says they are going to experiment on other Apes, you freak out calling it immoral and blasphemous.

I say, "Hack away!" The only thing you could possibly do to an Ape is improve upon it. Create an Ape which doesn’t fart, pick, or flick!