One thing I love about being a Cat is my superior hearing. I can pick up two gnats doing it from miles away, and I don’t even have to be awake to do it.

Like today for instance, I was having my 12th nap of the day on the bed when I heard something messing with my kibble. I thought this odd as I was the only one in the house.

Fully awake, I ran downstairs to the kitchen and saw the culprit; a mouse happily snacking on MY food! The nerve!

Before I knew it, instinct kicked in and I pounced. Got it in one try! I looked around. Just my luck, nobody was around to see it. Oh well.

This will make a great gift for the Apes, I thought. There is simply no greater gift a Cat can give than a dead rodent or bird. When the Apes get home I’ll be greatly rewarded! Visions of being smothered in treats and affection danced in my head.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Seems I didn’t kill it after all. Only stunned it. I went from "Good Boy" to "Damned Cat" in the space of seconds. I don’t see the problem. A gift is a gift, is it not? The visions of reward disappeared just as quickly.

It was the Big Haired Wife who discovered it was still alive when she picked it up. Startled, she dropped it, then as it ran away she turned to me; screaming for me to catch it. Screw that! I already caught it. It was her who let it go. Besides, I was sure a second attempt would not have gone as well as the first. The element of surprise was no longer on my side.

I just walked away. You want the damned mouse? Catch it yourself. I’m late for my 13th nap!

Okay, the Apes have flipped their lids. They brought a dying tree into the house!

I assume this is some kind of Ape ritual. To bring a dying tree into the house, have all of your family members gather to tie it in wire cord and decorate it in shiny stringy material. All done while consuming fermented vegetable matter.

It was horrible. It had been cut off just above the root and had been seeping sap for some time by the looks of it. It wasn’t long for life, that was for sure.

So I sprang into action! They were going to plug the wire cord into a socket! I had to stop it, so I started to bat the plug around hoping to damage it…

Well, that got me the rest of the night outside. This is what I get for trying to help! It was cold too. I felt like one of those brass monkeys I keep hearing about. At least theirs fell off, mine weren’t that lucky. (re: Day 374 at the v-e-t)

By the time I got let in this morning, it was all over. There it sat. Lifeless, covered in blinking lights and decoration. Coloured boxes lay at its root stub to cover up the seeping sap.

I tried to look away but found I couldn’t. The sparking and twinkling was mesmerizing! Drawing me to it somehow. I started to move closer…

“NO!” bellowed the Big Hairless Ape.

I moved twice to go around him only to be presented with the same result; the Big Hairless Ape in front of me grunting something about staying away or back outside.

I’m smarter than a brass monkey, so I conceded. After all, it was too late. There was nothing more I could do. The tree was dead.

I’ll just have to stay out of the living room for the duration. I’ve seen enough. After some research, I’m told that this is a Christmas ritual. You can keep it!

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