On the First Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

• The bird was delicious! I tossed the tree.

On the second Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 2 Turtle Doves.

• Not nearly as good as the partridge, but at least there were 2 of them.

On the Third Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 3 French Hens.

• Begging for their lives in a different language did nothing. Again: delicious!

On the Forth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 4 Calling Birds.

• Okay, I’m starting to get sick of birds. How about some beef?

On the Fifth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 5 Golden Rings.

• Jewellery only works for a different kind of pussy!

On the Sixth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 6 Geese a Laying.

• So we’re back to the birds, huh? And not just birds, big frikkin’ birds! I couldn’t even take down one of these monsters, let alone 6 of them.

On the Seventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 7 Swans a Swimming.

• Look! If I had trouble with the Geese, what the Hell makes you think I can kill a Swan? And the only thing they were swimming in was Goose shit!

On the Eighth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 8 Maids a Milking.

• They each brought their own cow! The milk was good, but I got crapped on 5 times.

On the Ninth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 9 Ladies Dancing.

• Okay, it’s starting to get a little crowded in here. Also, they didn’t do much dancing as they kept slipping in the river of shit that has now collected.

On the Tenth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 10 Lords a Leaping.

• Who the Hell let them out of the closet?

On the Eleventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 11 Pipers Piping.

• Not only does it stink bad in here, the racket these guys put out was intolerable.

On the Twelfth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 12 Drummers Drumming.

• OMFG! I can’t hear myself think! Do you realize there are now 50 people in here? Not to mention 8 cows, and 13 uneaten birds. I’m losing my mind…

{…Gorgeous suddenly wakes up and sighs in relief…}

It was just a dream. Whew! I wonder what’s for dinner. Anything but birds, hopefully.