… What do you get when you cross:

• A rat…

• With a pig…
• With Marty Feldman?

You get the newest addition to this already over-populated family. A genetic meltdown which happened to land in my home just a few hours ago. Although a Christmas present to the family from the Big Hairless Ape, it’s here a few days early.

I cannot believe I lost sleep over this thing! I’ve dragged home bigger rats than this. Upon seeing it, I had to start purring to hide my laughter!. Quite the mixture of rodent, swine and comedy! It falls over while trying to lick its own butt.

This is what I got myself so worked up over? I feel so silly now. After a bit of research, I found this to be a Pug. Nature just didn’t give these things a chance, did it? How can they even mate looking like that? Perhaps this is where the term "Doggie Bag" really came from?

So far, all it’s done is shake and quiver nervously. Admittedly, I may have had a little something to do with that. You see, I’ve been playing "Tip the Pug" since it got here. I don’t even have to lift a paw to do it either. A bump with my nose and it falls right over.

We’ve also had our first "territory chat" when it decided to sample some of my food. Again, it just fell right over. Not the sturdiest branch on the tree, is it? But I think it got the idea. It’s stuck to its own dish ever since. (Note to self: Easily trainable)

It’s a good thing these are kept as pets. In the wild, they’d be food. Either that or victims of sympathy hunting for being so ugly.

I know what you’re all thinking at this point: He’s going to hurt that poor puppy. I’m no math wizard, but I’m pretty sure the equation extrapolates to something like this:

• Dead Dog = Gorgeous Gone

With both elements becoming true in the event of Dead Dog. So, no. I’m not going to hurt the poor puppy.

Besides, I have future plans for him as you’ll see by the name I’ve assigned:

{… Gorgeous jumps from the desk chair and approaches the Pug.

"I dub thee: ScapeGoat! - Taker of blame!"

Gorgeous puts out a paw out to anoint him, causing ScapeGoat to once again, fall over…}

This is going to be too easy.

Join me tomorrow while the Apes are at work. We’ll be saying goodbye to that smug bastard of a Goldfish who’s been taunting me for what seems like an eternity now. We’ll break in ScapeGoat while we’re at it!

(I told you I had plans!)