As cool and collected as I appear, sometimes something comes along to get my fur up.

Last night, the Apes went shopping for Christmas junk and returned home with a crap load of bags and parcels. They must have blown a fortune on some of this stuff.

Being the curious Cat I am, I started to investigate some of these bags and parcels to see if they’d picked up anything for me.

Near the end of my investigations, I was shocked to see that they hadn’t gotten me a single thing. Nothing. Nada, Zero, Zilch! How insulting considering the massive amounts of joy I provide them.

There was only one bag left. So without getting my hopes up, I jumped in and found myself curious about the contents: A collar and leash.

Were they going to start taking me on walks? Doubtful. I don’t require tethering.

Were the Apes going to indulge in some kinky bedroom activity? Perhaps.

Then I discovered the chew toy. OMFG! We’re getting a dog! Judging by the size of the collar; a puppy.

This explains the conversations I’ve been overhearing for the last few days. Phrases like, "Great pet" or  "Perfect companion" and "Cute as Hell" were peppered throughout the exchanges. Naturally, I thought they were talking about me.

It was bad enough when The Wet One came along and stole the attention that was due to me. Am I now to be pushed away further while they make a fuss over a dog? Unacceptable!

Then again, on the plus side, puppies are highly trainable. I might be able to work some magic in that regard. I can show it which corner to pee in, which boot to crap in, select which article of expensive clothing to shred, stuff like that. Also, I’ll be able to do things that previously would’ve incriminated me on the spot. Dog = scapegoat!

What type of dog is also in question. If it turns out to be a Rottweiler or Pit Bull, I might as well put my head between my hind legs and kiss my furry ass goodbye. However, considering The Wet One, I suspect something much less vicious.

I have no timeline on the arrival of this little "treasure" but I fear I have little time to prepare. I’ll keep you all posted on the outcome.

I bet that gets the attention of the Star Trek Nerd Club. However, today’s topic has nothing to do with fiction.

You see, last night after a trip to the litter box, I walked away with a companion: a rather sizable nugget which had gotten stuck to my fur.

Normally, I’m quite good at cleaning myself up after a good dump, but I do have my limits. If it’s bigger than a marble, I seek alternatives to self-cleansing.

One option is to drag my butt across the carpet. Past experience dictates this just gets me a night outside. And it was just too cold out for that!

Being a master at observation, I’ve noticed that any time The Wet One fouls himself, the Apes are right there to clean up the mess. They change, wipe, and tell him what a good boy he is.

A plan with no flaws, right?

Wrong! Jumping on the Big Haired Wife’s lap, with nugget in tow, got me a result I wasn’t counting on: a water bath!

Let’s be absolutely clear on this point. Cats do NOT like baths! A fact the Big Haired Wife became aware of seconds after my being submerged. I kicked, scratched, then escaped 3 times, only to be caught and submerged again. One the plus side, the Big Haired Wife ended up with just as much water on her as I did.

Then there’s the soap issue. It’ll be days before I stop smelling like a French whore and regain my natural musk. Not to mention it took me 8 hours to dry out.

Thankfully I won’t see other Cats for awhile. I’d be the laughing stock of the neighbourhood!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,Star Trek,Bathing Cats

I can never understand why you Apes think of us Cats as disgusting when we bring home a rodent or bird to munch on. 

Generally, this results in a wincing look of disgust followed shortly by the theft of my lunch as you toss it in the garbage while calling me a "Bad Cat!"

No, I’m a good Cat! I caught and killed the damned thing myself. I didn’t squeeze my fat ass into a vehicle to drive to a store to get pre-killed stuff. Where’s the fun in that?

What is really disgusting is some of the crap you Apes will eat. Allow me to clarify:

• Calamari - Call it what it is: Squid! Don’t church it up by giving it a fancy name. Although I love seafood, this stuff gives me the creeps. Squid! Yuk!
• Oysters - You might as well lick the contents of a used Kleenex!
• Tongue - I simply refuse to taste anything which tastes me back!
• Monkey Brains - This is considered a rare delicacy? Not rare enough! Isn’t this borderline cannibalism?
• Pigs Feet - After a lifetime of walking around in barnyard shit, you’d actually put this in your mouth? (Note to self: Don’t let the Apes kiss me ever again!)
• Testicles - Are you serious? Makes me wonder about the true reasons for my trip to the v-e-t on Day 374. Did my "boys" end up on a plate somewhere?
• Dog - Finally! A valid use for these creatures.
• Cat - Now hold the frikkin’ phone! Cat’s are to be adored, petted, and cuddled. Not roasted, toasted, or basted. You even come close to me with a meat cleaver, you’re getting claws in the face! Simple as that!

So next time your Cat drags something home, think twice about what you eat. Let us enjoy our simple quarry.

After my nightmare yesterday with the 12 Days Of Christmas, I haven’t been able to get the tune of that insipid Christmas Carol out of my head!

It’s there all the time. I simply cannot do anything without it creeping to the front of my thoughts. Even when reading stuff, it’s to that tune.

Now, I find myself writing to that effect. Observe:

1. On the First Day of Vista, MS gave to me: An OS promised to satisfy me.
2. On the Second Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
3. On the Third Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 3 missing drivers,  2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
4. On the Fourth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
5. On the Fifth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
6. On the Sixth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
7. On the Seventh Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
8. On the Eighth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
9. On the Ninth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
10. On the Tenth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 10 lost files, 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
11. On the Eleventh Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 11 thoughts of murder, 10 lost files, 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
12. On the Twelfth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 12 reasons to upgrade to XP!

On the First Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

• The bird was delicious! I tossed the tree.

On the second Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 2 Turtle Doves.

• Not nearly as good as the partridge, but at least there were 2 of them.

On the Third Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 3 French Hens.

• Begging for their lives in a different language did nothing. Again: delicious!

On the Forth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 4 Calling Birds.

• Okay, I’m starting to get sick of birds. How about some beef?

On the Fifth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 5 Golden Rings.

• Jewellery only works for a different kind of pussy!

On the Sixth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 6 Geese a Laying.

• So we’re back to the birds, huh? And not just birds, big frikkin’ birds! I couldn’t even take down one of these monsters, let alone 6 of them.

On the Seventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 7 Swans a Swimming.

• Look! If I had trouble with the Geese, what the Hell makes you think I can kill a Swan? And the only thing they were swimming in was Goose shit!

On the Eighth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 8 Maids a Milking.

• They each brought their own cow! The milk was good, but I got crapped on 5 times.

On the Ninth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 9 Ladies Dancing.

• Okay, it’s starting to get a little crowded in here. Also, they didn’t do much dancing as they kept slipping in the river of shit that has now collected.

On the Tenth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 10 Lords a Leaping.

• Who the Hell let them out of the closet?

On the Eleventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 11 Pipers Piping.

• Not only does it stink bad in here, the racket these guys put out was intolerable.

On the Twelfth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 12 Drummers Drumming.

• OMFG! I can’t hear myself think! Do you realize there are now 50 people in here? Not to mention 8 cows, and 13 uneaten birds. I’m losing my mind…

{…Gorgeous suddenly wakes up and sighs in relief…}

It was just a dream. Whew! I wonder what’s for dinner. Anything but birds, hopefully.