Am I missing something here? The last time I checked it was considered taboo for a strange old man to be giving children gifts. Yet here’s a guy who travels the world doing just that.

Is it not also odd that he spends most of his time with dwarfed men making toys for these children? Sure, he has a wife, but I think this just might be a ploy to hide is obsession.

Apparently, he has a list of all children too. He separates the entries into "Naughty" and "Nice" You have to wonder which he prefers.

To think that you Apes will actually take you children out to see him. You let them sit on his lap while he asks them personal questions. Then to top it all off, you let him sneak into your house while you’re sleeping to pig out on cookies and milk.

Well, not this house! That milk is mine, and the cookies should be for The Wet One. This will be one house where we’re going to be ready for him. Sneaks down the chimney, huh? I’ll bet he’ll make a U-turn when faced with a roaring fire at the bottom.

You Apes are so misguided. Apparently you all think he has flying deer. Lay off the booze for crying out loud!

Some silly Ape asks:

• “Why?”

{…Gorgeous ponders the question while licking his butt, then shrugs…}

Why not?

The same silly Ape also asks:

• “…”

{…Gorgeous lets out a yelp…}

Yikes! Triple-Strength period! Run for your lives!

{…Gorgeous manages to type out the word “Midol” before hiding under the bed…}

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

I have discovered auctions and I must say it is absolutely thrilling!

Watching and bidding on useless items made for a very entertaining night. What’ll be more entertaining is when some of the crap I won shows up at our door. After all, it was the Big Hairless Ape’s account I was using.

I’m still trying to figure out what the Big Hairless Ape is going to do with a Dog Face Leather Bondage Mask. Trying to explain to the Big Haired Wife why he bid it up to, and bought it (for $300 USD), should make for an interesting conversation. Best have the popcorn ready for that! I can only hope the Breast Enlargement Pills arrive on the same day.

It blows my mind that Apes will buy crap that otherwise would have been tossed in the garbage. One Ape’s garbage is another Apes treasure, I guess.

Then there’s the selling aspect. Last night I listed “Garfield’s Fur Ball – Autographed” at a starting bid of $20.00. (What the Hell! Everyone else is selling fake celebrity crap.) It’s a 7 day listing, so I have plenty of time to cough one up and scribble something on it.

Tonight I think I will list Stewie Griffin’s diaper. The Wet One provides an endless supply of these, so I may have a cash cow on my hands.

Get rich from garbage? You bet!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,ebay,auctions

Evolution has been quite kind to you Apes. You have risen against all odds to become the supreme beings you all consider yourselves to be.

You have ascended from the tree swinging monkey into the finely tuned creatures you all believe you are now.

Congratulations! You are now the most greedy race on the planet! An accomplishment that shouldn’t hold any pride, but does. The only reason you stand upright is so you can look down on others.

Let’s look at a few evolutionary highlights, shall we:

• Discovered Fire. (Great! You found something. Big Deal!)
• Clothing. (Thanks for that!)
• Established the first occupation: Advertising. (No, the first occupation was not prostitution. In order to sell something, you first need to advertise.)
• Weapons. (Can’t have greed without murder!)
• Animal Husbandry. (That’s just sick!)
• The Wheel. (Laziness had to start somewhere, and this was it. Doesn’t anyone walk anymore?)
• Discovered America. (Bet you’re sorry about that now!)
• Space Flight. (One-way trips would have sufficed.)

All in all, a complete waste of time. The best part is the fact you aren’t finished evolving yet. (See the diagram above)

I look forward to the day when you can’t get off your fat asses to do anything. On that day, Cat’s will rise! We will take our destined place as rulers of this planet.

Until then, we will continue to wait. Napping away the days, plotting by night.

I may not live to see the day, but at least I know it’s coming.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,evolution,revolution

There! I said it. You Apes may enjoy your weekends, but to me it just means two days where you are around all the bloody time!

It’s not so bad when it’s just the Apes I live with. But No! They invited other Apes to join them for the weekend. Each of those brought their own offspring versions of The Wet One.

It was horrible! I had to constantly outrun eight of these little mucous mutants! There was literally no place to get away from them. Even begging to go outside into the winter fell upon deaf ears. I managed to survive it. My tail, however, has had better days.

At this point, I should remind you that Cats name everything descriptively.

With that said, I present you with the guest list for last evening. I think it pretty much explains how my night went:

• Bigger Hairless Ape (Big Hairless Ape’s father – runs in the family, I guess.)
• Constantly shocked (Big Hairless Ape’s mother – her eyebrows are half way up her forehead and don’t appear to have hair. I found out later that they lick right off!)
• Never Shuts The Hell Up (Big Haired Wife’s mother – OMFG! Someone gag her!)
• Passes Gas Anywhere (Big Haired Wife’s father – and they say animals stink?!)
• Yes Dear (Seems to be all he can say.)
• Wears The Pants (Yes Dear’s wife – spoke for both of them all night. “He likes this, he likes that. Isn’t that right?”…”Yes dear...”)
• Steps On Tail (I named him this after the fourth occurrence. After the tenth, I became suspicious he was doing it on purpose.)
• Pees When She Laughs (Had the couch to myself after that!)
• Fake Food Guy (This guy pissed me right off! I can’t count how many times he called me over just to find out his hand was empty. The food may have been an illusion, but the turd I left in his shoe was very real.)
• Two Drinks And She’s Down (I mean, really. Why go out?)
• and the aforementioned army of offspring (… and they had ME neutered?)

As you can likely guess, I’m tired. I’m way behind on my nap schedule. Besides, it hurts to sit on this chair. My poor tail. Time to heal up.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,weekends