The Apes have completely flipped their lids! They expect me to use a toilet instead of a litter box. Toilets are for Apes, not Cats!

The contraption you see pictured here sits on a toilet and contains a small amount of litter which is supposed to “trick” me into using it. First off, there isn’t enough litter there to make a sufficient mess while burying my business. Second, there’s not enough room on the toilet to get a good round of litter flinging going once I’m done.

I’ve hunted all over this house and can’t find my actual litter box anywhere. Also, they forgot to put the toilet trainer on the toilet before they left for work. I tried using the toilet without it, but I’ve fell in three times now. There is just no traction there!

{… Gorgeous gets off the desk chair, paces the room for several minutes while doing some deep breathing…}

I really have to go too! Perhaps some of you out there can help me out. Here is a list of alternative dumping areas:

• The pot of dirt which houses a small tree in the corner
• ScapeGoat The Dog’s food dish
• On the “welcome” mat just inside the front door
• In a boot (or several boots)
• On the table (nothin’ says lovin’ like crap from my oven!)
• In the Big Hairless Ape’s headphones

Leave a comment and let me know where you think the best place is. But please, hurry!

When the Apes aren’t around,
and the birds are on the ground, I purr.

When I take a long nap,
then have a big crap, I purr.

When treats are around,
and the dog is underground, I purr.

When I decapitate mice,
and I have no lice, I purr.

When my food dish is full,
and the Apes aren’t spewing bull, I purr.

When the dog is sick,
and I perform my butt lick, I purr.

When the Apes don’t get along,
even when the Big Haired Wife wears a thong, I purr.

When I have a lazy life,
without need for a wife, I purr.

When a rhyming post is crap,
but at least it’s not RAP, I purr.

This morning I checked my email to find that the son of a Nigerian Diplomat has gotten himself into some hot water.

It seems this Ape needs to get $66 Million Dollars out of the country so the military does not get hold of it. All I have to do is provide some banking details and this money will be deposited by the end of the day. I get to keep 30% of that $66 Million once everything is done.

The instructions from this trustworthy individual were very clear:

If you are interested, contact me by e-mail indicating your full name or company name and address. Your direct telephone and fax numbers. The name and address of the bank you would like us to deposit the money with, the telephone and fax numbers of the bank, your account number, etc. If you have online banking, you can send us your login and password information in order to speed up this process. Everything has been arranged and I will send more information about the business transaction to you as soon as I hear from you.

Seeing as I do not have a bank account of my own, I gladly handed over the Big Hairless Ape’s banking info. I’m sure he won’t mind.

He’s going to be so proud of me! Wait until he sees almost $20 Million in profit. Not bad for a day’s work!

The Apes are speaking to each other again. I guess whatever crisis they were having has passed. In fact, they are more than speaking, they are in the bedroom with the door closed.

That door was open earlier. It’s because of me that it’s closed now.

Yup! I wandered in. I knew they were in there and thought I might be of assistance in whatever they were doing. I especially like helping with laundry and gift wrapping. I get in right in there and do my part!

So, I jumped on the bed to see what was going on. I was greeted with “Harder!” from the Big Haired Wife.

Really? I aim to please. I got off the bed, climbed the dresser and took a leap from there.

“Faster!” was the reaction to my power leap.

Fine! So I got down and took a good run at it! Bouncing off the chair and dresser on my way, I launched my speed leap.

“Deeper!” she bellowed. (?!)

I didn’t have time to figure out what she meant by that. My leap landed me with all claws out, and directly on the Big Hairless Ape’s naked butt. My first reaction was to dig in and leap away. (Note to self: Extensive claw cleaning later!) His first reaction was to toss me out of the room. He seemed to be in a big hurry for some reason as he rudely slammed the door in my face.

There’s been nothing but Monkey grunting from the room ever since. What could they possibly be doing in there?

Bah, it doesn’t matter. I need a nap. I slept right through two of my naps earlier, which really pissed me off! Now I can hardly keep my eyes open.

Finally! After what seems like an eternity, I got some quality lap time which was due to me. Ever since ScapeGoat The Dog came into this house, fierce petting has been at a minimum.

You see, the Apes had a fight last night. Seems they’ve given up talking to each other; taking solace in the company of their favourite pet. For the Big Hairless Ape, that means me. For the Big Haired Wife, it means ScapeGoat. The Wet One just slept through it all.

So there I sat all evening. Snuggled deep within Ape arms, trying to purr loud enough so I couldn’t hear the Big Hairless Ape whining about his life. Rants of: “Why did I marry?” and “My life sucks” peppered with “What did I do?” was the basis for the 4 hour conversation he had with me.

But I wasn’t there for the conversation, I stuck around for the A-1 Primo-Quality, Stick Your Butt In The Air, Extreme Petting like I used to get in the old days. (Before wife, kid and dog came into the picture)

So, as a reward I thought I would get the Big Hairless Ape a present for his petting services. Last night as he slept on the couch, I killed a mouse and left it on his pillow in the bedroom. I figured he’d see it when he got up to go to bed. He never went to bed.

The entire house awakened to screams from the Big Haired Wife discovering my gift.

She threw up and I got a “Good Boy” and a back scratch from the Big Hairless Ape. At least he appreciates my efforts!