I thought I would go through the Big Hairless Ape’s computer to see what kind of programs he has installed on this machine.

After looking at some pretty boring stuff, I came across a game called “Sid Meier’s Civilization IV” and was instantly hooked! I’ve played it all night and day yesterday. I even missed out on some of my naps due to this game.

There is just something about it that appeals to me. Sure, pitting Ape against Ape has its attraction, but what I loved is being able to tell these Apes what to do, where to go, and how to die. It kept me in a state of constant purr. 

Being a history simulator, it’s pretty accurate; kill those Apes from the other nation. Nuke ‘em if you have to! As you can see by the screen shot above, that’s exactly what I did! You’d better hope that Cats never get their paws on the actual real-life button!

I won the game by building a space ship to take me to Alpha Centauri. Perfect! An Ape-free planet for Cats to evolve without the constant testicle-hacking of Apes. Think of the glorious things we’d achieve! (After napping of course.)

If I could just find a mod for the game which would allow me to raise an army of Cats. Now that would be true entertainment!

I’m absolutely bored and have nothing to write about. So we’re going to make the best of it.

Join me while I take some time to research my favourite topic: Me! Well, not specifically me, but Cats in general. Let see what kind of dirt you apes are spewing about us.

Here’s some fun facts:

• There are approximately 68 million owned dogs in the United States.
• But there are approximately 73 million owned Cats in the United States. (So There!)
• Cats sleep for an average of sixteen hours a day.
• What can I say, I’m above average.
• A Cat has a poor sense of taste. Apes have 9,000 taste buds, while a Cat has only 473. A Cats eating experience relies upon smell just as much, if not more, than taste.
• Yet you Apes eat the Strangest Things!
• In 1976 a  mystery Cat in Hong Kong killed more than 20 dogs. According to local ApeLore it was about 4 feet long, and black or grey in colour. It was never caught.
• Typical “One That Got Away” Ape story. It gets bigger each time they tell it. The “killer” was likely no bigger than me.
• Dusty of Bonham in Texas is reputed to be the most prolific female Cat in the world, by 1952 Dusty had produced 420 kittens.
• Tramp!
• 84% of owned Cats in the USA are spayed or neutered.
• In this house, it’s 100%! (Don’t even get me started on that topic!) Otherwise I would have been all over Dusty myself!
• 68% of Cats get gifts.
• You’re forgetting about the 32% of us don’t! You Apes with your “cup half full” attitude really tick me off!

Well, that killed an evening, and a post. The Apes are due home soon so I’d best get off the computer.

It looks like the pampered lifestyle I’ve become accustomed to is starting to take its toll. I appear to be getting quite round about the middle.

I noticed this today while attempting to jump onto the back of the couch. My old formula of weight*distance*thrust did not equal my usual velocity. I fell short of the target and landed on my ass. 

So, in light of this, I have come up with an exercise plan. I figure, instead of waking from a nap turning around twice and going back to sleep at the same location, I would perform the following:

• Nap on the couch.
• Move to the chair. Nap on the chair.
• Move to the bed. Nap on the bed.
• Move to the corner. Nap in the corner.
• Move to the hallway. Nap in the hallway.
• Move to the kitchen. Nap in the kitchen.
• Move to the den. Nap in the den.
• Move to the bathroom. Nap in the bathroom.
• Move to the closet. Nap in the closet.
• Repeat to complete my 18 naps per day schedule.

As you can see, this is a whack of exercise I’m not used to. I can only hope I can keep it up and it shows some results.

Also, I figure if I eat more then I will burn more unwanted calories scratching around in my litter box. Each meal requires at least 10 to 15 minutes of scratching.

Well! I best get at it. I have a rigorous workout ahead of me!

If you’re following this blog at all, you likely noticed there wasn’t a post yesterday. I wasn’t feeling well.

In the early hours of the morning today, I figured out why. I had a massive fur ball which was trying to get out.

Now, when it comes to ejecting fur balls, there is only one concept to keep in mind: Location, Location, Location. You simply cannot just puke it up anywhere!

Prime locations include:

• Beside the bed. Preferably where the Apes set their first step of the day.
• In the kitchen in front of the sink. Whoever makes the coffee usually gets that one. However, not a exactly a prime location as it cleans up too easily.
• Inside a shoe.
• Smack dab in the middle of the upstairs hallway.
• On the couch.
• Any article of clothing.

I find the hallway is best. Somewhere between the master bedroom and the bathroom seems to be optimal. There is a small chance that it won’t get stepped on, however, but I do enjoy a bit of gambling.

Especially when I win! It was the Big Haired Wife who got the wet foot treatment while yelling, “Damned Cat!” Just seeing her hobbling to the bathroom to clean her foot brought a purr to my throat.

Yup! Satisfaction guaranteed!

Last night the Apes rented: “Garfield: The Movie”

I don’t normally get caught up in Ape Entertainment, but I must say that this is one cool Cat! I enjoyed everything from the food switching to the pummelling of Ode.

I do have a few problems with the movie, however.

First off, what the Hell is up with his eyes? What kind of weird designer Hollywood catnip has this guy been into? There’s way to much white in his eyes and he appears to have Ape-like pupils. I doubt he’d be able to see in the dark very well with those things.

Second, he loves lasagne? No wonder he eats so much of this stuff as it has very little meat content. You would have to eat the entire thing to get the protein requirements a Cat needs. Try some actual Cat food, you fat spoiled bastard! Catch a mouse for crying out loud!

Third, I found out the real reason why he’s so fat. At one point in the movie, Garfield goes through the pet door and we get a good shot of his butt. He has NO ANUS!! How will he ever make friends if he gets locked up in the pound? Since surgery of the posterior region always seems to be Ape-inflicted, I’m assuming this is some kind of solution to due away with the need for a litter box. If you’re looking for a fat Cat, then sewing up his anus would definitely do the trick!

I simply couldn’t live without the enjoyment of scratching around in my litter box. Stinking up the house is one of my favourite pastimes.

I guess I shouldn’t complain about losing “My Boys” at the v-e-t. Apparently, it could have been a lot worse.