Big Hairless Ape’s brother dropped in today. I hate this guy! He’s always talking about killing animals and fancies himself quite the hunter. Although, we never see any of his slaughtered prey. He just seems to be drunk upon returning.

Here’s a guy who easily weighs 350 pounds, yet insists on wearing army camouflage all of the time. What’s the point? He’s as big as a house, and trust me, you’ll smell him a mile away before seeing him anyway!

There is absolutely no way this guy would ever just “blend in” unless he’s in a sizable crowd of other large gorillas. Perhaps he could lay down amongst army tents? He’s sure to blend in there also! But that’s about it. You simply cannot hide something this big!

He’s a poor hunter too. Never catches anything and there’s no doubt as to why. I could feel his Jurassic Shockwaves as he approached the house; the ripple in my water dish gave away the fact there was something big coming this way. Had this been a hunting situation, I would’ve been long gone. Also, in the shape he’s in, there’s no bloody way he could ever catch up with me. Hell, I’d likely kill him!

And loud! I missed two naps while he was here. It didn’t matter which room in the house I picked, that booming drunken voice vibrated everything! I’m a total wreck now!

He’s not a Cat lover either which makes him unacceptable and will be purged once Cats rise to be the supreme dominant race on Earth.

{ …Gorgeous slaps his forehead… “Supposed to keep this quiet”… }

Anyway, the Great Wide Hunter has now gone home and I have 2 naps to make up for. I’m exhausted!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

After waking up this morning, I ventured into the kitchen to see what was for breakfast. To my surprise, I found nothing. Even the smell of the Ape’s breakfast was absent.

Very odd. According to my internal clock, my food should’ve been sitting there waiting for me. Quickly, I realized that the Apes had slept in. The Wet One hadn’t even stirred yet.

If it wasn’t for the fact I was starving, this wouldn’t have mattered to me. ScapeGoat The Dog was sniffing at his empty dish also.

Armed with self-motivation, I decided it was high time to rouse the Apes. So, into the bed I crawled.

My first attempt was with the Big Hairless Ape. I started to lick his lips only to be greeted with an, “Oh, baby! You know what I like!” Then he slipped me the tongue. I puked shortly after that! Disgusting!

Next, was the Big Haired Wife. I discarded the Lip Licking idea and went with paw jabbing, only to get a response of: “Lower… Go lower!” What the Hell does that mean?

Clearly, this wasn’t working. Both continued to sleep soundly. I toyed with the idea of smacking The Wet One around, but knew this would have dire consequences. I had to come up with a new plan.

ScapeGoat The Dog was clawing at the door at this point. He needed to relieve himself. With this tid-bit of information, I formulated a plan.

Knowing he’d been well paper-trained, I dragged a page of the evening newspaper into the Ape’s bedroom. It wasn’t long before ScapeGoat The Dog used it; the smell of his morning dump enough to raise the dead.

Between this and playing “Trip the Ape” I got my breakfast. ScapeGoat The Dog got the “bad puppy” treatment.

When there’s a will, there’s a way. Everything worked out just fine.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

Since the arrival of the Big Haired Wife, each Sunday sees the arrival of new food into the house. Food which is clearly marked as: “not mine!” (The nerve!)

For the last couple years I’ve been kicked at, shooed, or otherwise discouraged from investigating. Today, however, provided an opportunity to go hunting.

Upon arrival and the deposit of many bags into the kitchen, the Big Haired Wife became preoccupied with The Wet One who had apparently soiled himself on the trip home.

Yup! My ears picked up “Knock, Knock” – the distinctive sound of opportunity!

I knew I only had precious moments before the Big Haired Wife returned. So, armed with my keen sense of smell, I went hunting. I’d investigated three bags before finding what I was looking for. The sweet smell of cooked ham rose from the fourth bag.

With face in bag, and butt in the air, I retrieved the paper-wrapped parcel and pulled it onto the floor. Using my sharpened claws, (thanks to the Lazy Boy in the living room) I tore into the package and pulled 2 rather large slices out and stashed them under the couch for later consumption. I’m not a dog, so I don’t need to eat them right away.

Speaking of dog, time to put ScapeGoat to work. Waking him up, I nudged at him until he was right in front of the opened package. “Go ahead!” I said to him. “It’s all yours.”

He must be getting the hang of “Cat speak” because he tore right into the meal.

Quietly, I headed to the living room and took my innocent “I’m sleeping” posture on the couch and waiting for the fireworks to start. For the first time since the arrival of this rodent, I wasn’t disappointed. He actually got smacked for getting into the groceries. I was purring so loudly with satisfaction I damned near deafened myself.

All in all, a great day. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have a ham dinner to eat.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

Alright, I’ve had enough of this thing. Once again, I was chased around the house this morning! Time for a plan!

Equipment required:

• ScapeGoat The Dog
• Doggie chew toy

Since the Apes were out shopping this morning, and the vacuum had been left at the top of the stairs, timing couldn’t be better.

The plan:

• Unravel the power cord.
• Tie the chew toy to the end of the cord.
• Toss the cord with chew toy down the stairs
• Entice ScapeGoat The Dog to play with the toy.

Problems encountered:

• The cord only reached part way down the stairs. I had to help ScapeGoat The Dog climb the stairs since he’s still small.
• ScapeGoat The Dog was too light and weak to move the vacuum while tugging on the toy.

No problem. With my bulk at the top pushing on the vacuum, it wasn’t long until it fell to its death; nearly hitting ScapeGoat The Dog on its way. (Near hit or near miss? You be the judge!)

You have to love modern construction techniques. The plastic casing smashed into a million pieces. And bless ScapeGoat The Dog’s little black heart; he continued to chew away at the cord trying to get his toy free.

Naturally, I was sleeping on the couch when the Apes returned. What they saw was their prized pooch chewing away at the cord amongst a sea of vacuum shrapnel. “Poor puppy!” they exclaimed.

“Brilliant Kitty” is the term I would have used. Problem solved!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

There isn’t too much in this house that scares the crap out of me, but when the Big Haired Wife gets the out the vacuum of death to do some cleaning, I get somewhat freaked out.

Apparently my fur is the reason she has to do this activity everyday. Can I help it if I shed constantly? Each square inch of my body contains millions of hairs so I’m bound to lose just a few here and there.

At least mine grow back which is more than can be said about the Big Hairless Ape. He continues to lose hair with no hope of new ones sprouting to replace them. He does seem to have an abundance in his nose and ears, however. He should look into transplanting those to his head.

Today I got cornered while the big metal beast whined it’s way through the house.  There was no escape! I tried going to the left, then to the right. It’s seemed I was being hunted by this thing!

There was only one direction to go: up! I climbed the drapes to get away. To my surprise, this caused the Big Haired Wife to shut the machine off. Success!

Well, success for the moment. I found myself being swatted at by a broom shortly after while screams of disapproval spewed from the Big Haired Wife. Apparently saving my own ass wasn’t an acceptable activity.

After a few moments of being chased around the house, I took refuge next to ScapeGoat. It was a gamble which worked. She would never hit her prized pooch with a broom. No! That special love was reserved for me.

Long story short: We got new drapes today and it was also very cold outside.