I really miss the good old days when it was just me and the Big Hairless Ape. The endless petting, the quiet evenings on his lap, and the treats flowing like water.

There is very little of anything like that going on these days. I’ve become more independent as the house fills up.

So, let’s recap our household population:

• Me - Cute as Hell and irresistible to petting.
• The Big Hairless Ape - The sole provider of all my affection and bread tuna winner.
• The Big Haired Wife - Provides me with an endless supply of shoes to crap in.
• The Wet One - The Ape’s offspring. Thanks to this monster, my tail is three inches longer.
• ScapeGoat The Dog - An ugly Pug and the Big Haired Wife’s favourite pet. Thanks to that fact, I never have to snuggle with her. The last time I did that it took a week to get the smell of Chanel No. 5 out of my fur.
• QuickSnack The Hamster - The Wet One’s newest pet. I’m still trying to formulate a plan so I may eat this thing and not get the blame. ScapeGoat The Dog has been very little help in this matter.
• FreakShow The Sister - The Big Hairless Ape’s sister. Arrived yesterday.

Let’s talk about that last one for a minute, shall we. You should see this “thing!” There is so much metal in her face that she can’t approach a clock without making it run backwards. She seems to have magnetic poles which only allow her to sleep in a north-south position. If she tries to sleep east-west, she snaps back to a north-south polarity.

Apparently she just finished travelling the world. How the Hell does someone like that get through the metal detectors at airport security? It must hold up the line for hours.

And don’t even get me started on the demonic tattoos all over her body. I fear I only have until the Moon is full before she needs to make another sacrifice.

Time to learn to sleep with one eye open…