Day 1404: The Speed of Tuna
I was in the middle of my 14th nap of the day when I heard the Big Hairless Ape calling my name; asking if I’d like some Tuna.
Before my eyes were even open, I was heading to the kitchen at Mach 2 while thinking, “What a dumb-ass question!” Of course I want Tuna! It’s like asking an alcoholic if they’d like a drink.
I reached my bowl to find it empty. I looked to the Big Hairless Ape to find him holding a sealed tin of Tuna while rummaging around the drawers looking for a can opener.
Are you freaking kidding me? Where I excel in intelligence, I lack in patience. Does he have no sense of urgency? I figure it takes about 30 seconds to open a tin and serve it up in a bowl. We were clearly into minutes at this point.
Finally, I heard the sound of triumph as the Big Hairless Ape pulled a can opener from (you guess it!) the last drawer to be searched.
Just as he was about to open the tin, the phone ran causing him to put down the Tuna to go answer it. Apparently, Apes have no sense of priority. Tuna first, everything else later! I don’t care if it’s the Queen of England calling!
It was time to get serious. As the Big Hairless Ape paced around the living room while talking to his caller, I engaged in a game of “trip the Ape” causing him to stumble a couple times. After an eternity of conversation (an entire 3 minutes!) he hung up and returned to the kitchen with me hot on his heals.
As the opener punctured the tin, I got that first whiff of fish which sent my taste buds into overdrive. With the lid off, I knew I was merely seconds away from feasting. I was wrong!
A knock came from the front door. The Big Hairless Ape went to answer it before filling my bowl. Screw the bowl. The tin was open and I wasn’t waiting any longer. I’m not allowed on the kitchen counter, but desperate times call for desperate measures.
By the time the Big Hairless Ape was finished with the visitor, I was on the couch purring in satisfaction. (Burp!)
Before returning to the kitchen, the Big Hairless Ape looked to me and asked, “Are you ready for that Tuna now?”
I ignored him and put my head down for another nap.
Too slow Amigo! You’ll pay for your lack of speed in a few hours when I look for alternatives to my litter box.
I know what you’re thinking. How can a Cat blog? You think just because we don’t have vocal cords or opposable thumbs that we aren’t intelligent? 
Hi,
I have just come across your blog and it had me in stitches! You certainly know who is boss. I shall return to read some more:0)
Sandie (UK)
Thanks for stopping by.
Now, where was I? Oh, yea, napping… Zzzz
We’re glad the Ape opened the can enough you could get to it.
Someone should tell him about this great new device called an answering machine. The beans keep doing whatever they were doing, and the machine answers the phone.
We have an answering machine. ScapeGoat the Dog barks his fool head off when he hears the Big Hairless Ape’s voice on it.
But the apes only use the machine when they are not at home.
Excellent work, Gorgeous! You are a credit to our species! I’d like to tell you that my hilariously funny book, The World Is Your Litter Box, is in bookstores now and is also available on Amazon. The book is cleverly disguised as a cute cat book so humans will buy it, but is, in fact, a how-to manual FOR cats. Check it out on my website, http://www.theworldisyourlitterbox.com.
I just love this…spent part of my evening reading everything on here! I’m a cat lover and would love to have Gorgeous–for a weekend! I wouldn’t want him to make me feel stupid for too long!
:O)