Hi! My name is Gorgeous. It’s not just a name, but an extremely accurate descriptive term.

I know what you’re thinking. How can a Cat blog? You think just because we don’t have vocal cords or opposable thumbs that we aren’t intelligent? That’s absolute Litter Lumps!! Trust me.

If the Big Hairless Ape can blog, so can I! All those evenings I sat on his lap while he worked his Web Magic, I was observing, learning, plotting my plan to tell my story. I may not be able to talk, but i can sure as Hell type! You don’t need opposable thumbs to do that!

Anyway, on with my favourite subject: Me! That’s right! It’s all about Me!

I’m a 3 year old male Cat who enjoys naps, food, and extreme petting. (The harder, the better baby!) I was imprisoned adopted ripped from my mothers nipple at Day 42 by the Big Hairless Ape. Since then, I’ve been silently observing the behaviour of these Apes who insist they are something called “humans” but in actual fact, are nothing more than glorified monkeys. They don’t physically throw their dung, but will verbally toss crap around like no tomorrow!

Things were pretty good in the beginning. Just me and the Big Hairless Ape. Good food, unlimited petting, and hours playing the dangling string game. Then, something happened. The Big Hairless Ape decided that my company wasn’t enough. He needed a mate!

So, on Day 547, the Big Hairless Ape brings home, and introduces me to something I can only describe as the Big Haired Girlfriend, who would eventually become his Big Haired Wife.

At this point, things still weren’t too bad. Now I had two Apes to feed and amuse me. If one got tired of petting me, I could just move on to the other. However, there were times where they wanted to be alone with each other. Without me! They would spend hours in the bedroom with the door shut just to emerge all sweaty; seeking liquids and cigarettes.

On Day 963 something happened which revealed what all the secrecy was about. A sudden panic came over the Apes which resulted in suitcases being hastily packed, and both of them vacating the premises for a few days. (Oh, and thanks for filling my food dish, you bastards! I damned near starved during that!)

Then they returned… with… The Wet One. I don’t know where the Hell they got it, but it should’ve been returned for a full refund. This thing is defective! It does nothing but leak liquid from every hole in its body, accompanied by non-stop howling. And the worst part? The damned thing is getting all my attention. At first, I could’ve taken this thing out. We were both about the same size. Now, 274 days later, it’s grown and is now mobile. I spend most of my days on top of the television set just to keep away from it. Thankfully, it still does quite a bit of sleeping, so I do find some time to relax.

I know what you’re thinking, “These ‘Apes’ have names!” But really, who cares? Besides, we Cats use more descriptive terms to name things. That’s why all Cats are named Gorgeous. It’s self applied.

So there you have it. A brief history of how I came to be here. It’s not a thrilling story, but hey! You’re the one who hit the “About” button!