Some silly Ape asks:

• “ummm hey gorge. How do you feel about the.. the apes calling the female genitalia the same nickname as your beautiful species? Does this trouble or offend you and your kind? Hit me back.”

Thank you! Finally! Someone brings this to light!

I’ve often wondered about this myself. I’ve seen one of those female Ape things and I have to say they need to do whatever it takes to make that thing look attractive. Including giving it a cute name.

They also call their posterior an ‘ass’. Why they named it after a donkey is beyond me. 

On the other side of the coin you have male Apes calling theirs a ‘tool’. Why? Are they running around the house fixing things with it? Not really. The only practical use I’ve seen is it’s ability to make golden designs in the snow. If anything, they should refer to is as ‘my artist’.

I am just so glad that Apes wear clothing. If they didn’t I’d be doing a hell of a lot more sleeping and a lot less cuddling with them.

As far as being troubled or offended, everything you Apes do troubles and offends me. Why should this be any different?

Some silly Ape asks:

• “deer Gorgus. wuz wundering how u learnt to reed?”

{… Gorgeous just shakes his head …}

I bought a self-help book entitled “How To Read”

Here’s a better question: Where’d you learn how to write?

This isn’t really a question, but was submitted anyway.

Some silly Ape states:

• “My daddy says cats are useless.”

{… Gorgeous scratches in the litter box while contemplating how to respond …}

Well now! You just tell your daddy that you have the Pool Boy’s eyes!

(Realtors take note: I predict a house coming onto the market shortly.)

Some silly Ape asks:

• “Gorgeous? You still with us? I haven’t seen a post from you in quite some time. I check in every day, but nothing’s new. It’s been a month now and everyday I check. Sometimes a few times a day.

  Hope everything is well with you. I will keep checking back.”

{… Gorgeous skips the litter box tour for this one …}

Two words: Sum – mer!

For crying out loud! Get up! Go outside! Get some air. Where do you think I’ve been.

It’s summer, baby! It’s time for ‘venturing. 

I only come home to use the litter box. I’m sure the Apes really appreciate that.

Some silly Ape asks:

• “My husband submitted a question to you a couple days ago. He has not been seen since.
  Would you happen to know of his whereabouts?” 

{… Gorgeous jumps from the desk chair then heads to the main floor of the house, then to the basement.

In the corner by the furnace, a lone cinder block appears against the wall. Gorgeous pushes it aside to reveal a small keypad. Entering a sequence of 68 digits, Gorgeous stands back as a small set of steel elevator doors appear in the wall. The doors open. Gorgeous enters and pushes the unmarked button at the bottom of the panel. The doors close and the elevator starts its descent.

Knowing this trip take a few minutes, Gorgeous passes the time by licking his butt. Just as he’s really starting to get into it, he’s interrupted by a bell which indicates he has arrived at the destination.

The doors open to reveal a rather wide chasm with no apparent way across. Gorgeous slides back the cover to another panel revealing a small light and presses is eye against it. A laser scans his retina and the sound of gears engaging can be heard. A bridge starts to extend and after a minute, the way across the chasm is complete. Gorgeous starts to cross.

Arriving at the other side, a long passageway can be seen and to the right a door clearly marked as “Lounge”. Gorgeous enters, has a bite to eat, uses the litter box, then has a nap. (Hey! This is a long trip!)

Moving on, Gorgeous makes his way down the passage. At the end is a spiral staircase which takes him even deeper into the Earth’s bowels. At the bottom is a door with a small panel containing an outline of a paw on it. Gorgeous places his paw on the indicated marks and the door slides open.

Another passage, then another staircase and an additional elevator ride brings him to a heavy steel door being guarded by two Cats. They nod knowingly to each other. One Cat pushes a button to open the big door. The other Cat joins Gorgeous as they enter.

Once inside, the two Cats each grab a key and head to locks located on separate sides of the room. Counting down in unison, they both turn their keys at the same time. Another door opens to reveal an empty jail cell containing even emptier shackles …}

Damn it! He’s escaped!

The answer to your question is, “No! I do not know where your husband is!”

But do keep in touch! I would be very interested to know if he ever shows up!