• “ummm hey gorge. How do you feel about the.. the apes calling the female genitalia the same nickname as your beautiful species? Does this trouble or offend you and your kind? Hit me back.”

Thank you! Finally! Someone brings this to light!

I’ve often wondered about this myself. I’ve seen one of those female Ape things and I have to say they need to do whatever it takes to make that thing look attractive. Including giving it a cute name.

They also call their posterior an ‘ass’. Why they named it after a donkey is beyond me. 

On the other side of the coin you have male Apes calling theirs a ‘tool’. Why? Are they running around the house fixing things with it? Not really. The only practical use I’ve seen is it’s ability to make golden designs in the snow. If anything, they should refer to is as ‘my artist’.

I am just so glad that Apes wear clothing. If they didn’t I’d be doing a hell of a lot more sleeping and a lot less cuddling with them.

As far as being troubled or offended, everything you Apes do troubles and offends me. Why should this be any different?

• “deer Gorgus. wuz wundering how u learnt to reed?”

{… Gorgeous just shakes his head …}

I bought a self-help book entitled “How To Read”

Here’s a better question: Where’d you learn how to write?

Some silly Ape states:

• “My daddy says cats are useless.”

{… Gorgeous scratches in the litter box while contemplating how to respond …}

Well now! You just tell your daddy that you have the Pool Boy’s eyes!

(Realtors take note: I predict a house coming onto the market shortly.)

• “Gorgeous? You still with us? I haven’t seen a post from you in quite some time. I check in every day, but nothing’s new. It’s been a month now and everyday I check. Sometimes a few times a day.

  Hope everything is well with you. I will keep checking back.”

{… Gorgeous skips the litter box tour for this one …}

Two words: Sum – mer!

For crying out loud! Get up! Go outside! Get some air. Where do you think I’ve been.

It’s summer, baby! It’s time for ‘venturing. 

I only come home to use the litter box. I’m sure the Apes really appreciate that.

• “My husband submitted a question to you a couple days ago. He has not been seen since.
  Would you happen to know of his whereabouts?” 

{… Gorgeous jumps from the desk chair then heads to the main floor of the house, then to the basement.

In the corner by the furnace, a lone cinder block appears against the wall. Gorgeous pushes it aside to reveal a small keypad. Entering a sequence of 68 digits, Gorgeous stands back as a small set of steel elevator doors appear in the wall. The doors open. Gorgeous enters and pushes the unmarked button at the bottom of the panel. The doors close and the elevator starts its descent.

Knowing this trip take a few minutes, Gorgeous passes the time by licking his butt. Just as he’s really starting to get into it, he’s interrupted by a bell which indicates he has arrived at the destination.

The doors open to reveal a rather wide chasm with no apparent way across. Gorgeous slides back the cover to another panel revealing a small light and presses is eye against it. A laser scans his retina and the sound of gears engaging can be heard. A bridge starts to extend and after a minute, the way across the chasm is complete. Gorgeous starts to cross.

Arriving at the other side, a long passageway can be seen and to the right a door clearly marked as “Lounge”. Gorgeous enters, has a bite to eat, uses the litter box, then has a nap. (Hey! This is a long trip!)

Moving on, Gorgeous makes his way down the passage. At the end is a spiral staircase which takes him even deeper into the Earth’s bowels. At the bottom is a door with a small panel containing an outline of a paw on it. Gorgeous places his paw on the indicated marks and the door slides open.

Another passage, then another staircase and an additional elevator ride brings him to a heavy steel door being guarded by two Cats. They nod knowingly to each other. One Cat pushes a button to open the big door. The other Cat joins Gorgeous as they enter.

Once inside, the two Cats each grab a key and head to locks located on separate sides of the room. Counting down in unison, they both turn their keys at the same time. Another door opens to reveal an empty jail cell containing even emptier shackles …}

Damn it! He’s escaped!

The answer to your question is, “No! I do not know where your husband is!”

But do keep in touch! I would be very interested to know if he ever shows up!

• “I noticed in a couple of your posts, you refer to some kind of ‘cat revolution’ which is about to take place.
  Can you give me more information on this please? It’s important!“

{… The author of the question arrives home and exits his car. Suddenly, a black SUV speeds up then squeals to a stop within inches of hitting him.

50 Cats wearing dark glasses jump out and force the Ape into the back of the vehicle, which then speeds off…}

‘Nuff said…

Some silly Ape asks:

• "Dear gorgeous
  I read your blog for a few days now. Quite funny!

  One thing that I don’t understand is what the day numbers mean? You title your posts Day 1276. etc. What does this mean?"

{…Gorgeous plays another round of "Tip The Pug" with ScapeGoat (the dog) while he ponders the question…}

First off, you didn’t capitalize the first letter of my name. Names should always have the first letter capitalized. Especially mine!

Second, funny? I’m not sure what you mean by this. I simply talk about the world as it is.

Now, onto your primary question. "What do the day numbers mean?" I didn’t think this would be all that confusing, but I will clarify anyway.

It’s my age. Today, I’m 1277 days old. You Apes like to bundle the days up into weeks, months, and years. Cats have no need to do this. In Ape terms this would make me 3.4986301369863013698630136986301 years old. It’s much easier to say 1277 days, is it not?

Take a 30 year old female Ape for example. She would never use a large day number like 10,950 to describe her age. Hell, she’s even reluctant to admit to being 30 and will lie and say 29. This makes no sense to me. There’s not a whole lot of difference between being 10,585 and 10,950 days old, is there?

For me, it’s easier to remember past events too. For instance, on Day 1273, I was tossed outside for the day while the Apes had their Christmas dinner. This will always be Day 1273 to me. Not 3 years ago, or 10 years ago, etc.

No wonder you Apes have such a hard time keeping track of things. Lumping the days together into weeks, months, and years, instantly requires math to get your point across.

And let’s face it, some of you aren’t exactly the brightest variable in the algorithm, are you?

• “Why?”

{…Gorgeous ponders the question while licking his butt, then shrugs…}

Why not?

The same silly Ape also asks:

• “…”

{…Gorgeous lets out a yelp…}

Yikes! Triple-Strength period! Run for your lives!

{…Gorgeous manages to type out the word “Midol” before hiding under the bed…}

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

I am more than willing to skip a nap here and there to answer all your petty questions. So go ahead! You might learn something.

Some silly Ape asks:

• “since you mentioned this on your question page, what exactly IS the meaning of life? What’s it all about?”

{Gorgeous ponders the question while scratching in his litter box…}

You have actually asked two questions here. But that’s okay. I’ll just have to put off unrolling the toilet paper until tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me that you Apes spend your entire lives seeking an answer to The Meaning Of Life. The reason the answer eludes you is because you have traded off instinct for education. The solution is built into the core of every creature on the planet, but you Apes just don’t seem to feel it.

So, here it goes… Get a pencil and start the drum roll…
The meaning of life is as follows: Eat, Sleep, Procreate, Defecate. (For me, 3 out of 4 isn’t bad!)

It doesn’t get any simpler than that! I knew the answer to this moments after my birth. You Apes tend to complicate even the simplest things.

Now, as far as What’s It All About? It’s all about me! Did you not click the “About” button at the top of the page? It tells all!

Does anyone have a hard question?

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour