A Piano playing Cat? Big deal! Cat’s are natural born vocalists. Where’s the singing? Pffft…

Us cats practise our mewing all the time, not that we need to, we are very talented singers. But when the humans forget about us, we sometimes have to sing for our food or to be let outside. So if your owner isn’t giving you their undivided attention – like they should be – you can easily get your own back on them.

My personal favorite is to start mewing in the early hours of Saturday morning, or jump on their laptop and walk all over the keyboard while they try and play party poker or do their work. You are sure to be fed after that, or maybe just have a cushion thrown at you….

Well! This is just great! The Apes are packing up all their stuff and moving out. At first I was all excited that they would vacate and leave the house to me. As it turns out this is not the case at all! They intend to take me with them.

Do you have any idea how long it took me to get this place to smell just right? I’m talking gallons of ‘spray’ and endless amounts of claw scratching here! I even had to work around and overpowering pungent stink of ScapeGoat The Dog. Not an easy task by any means! Four years of hard labour down the drain!

Now I’ll have to start all over. It’s going to be even harder this time to put down a good base coat of spray now that I’ve been fixed. Takes twice as much to leave my mark now. The Apes had better keep my water bowl full in the new place because I’ve got a lot of work ahead of me.

Then they add insult to injury. They bring out the ‘Cat Carrier’ so that I can get ‘used to it’ being around for move day.

Listen you overgrown primates! I will NEVER get used to that thing! My first experience with it was CASTRATION! What? You’d think I’d forgotten about that? I know when that thing comes out, something is about to be taken from me. In this case, it’s going to be my home!

Oh, and by the way… If you don’t want us playing in the boxes, stop filling them with fun stuff like:

• Packing peanuts (Which really aren’t peanuts I found out. I puked snowballs for hours!)
• Bubble Wrap (Pop-ity Pop! Pop! Whoo Hoo!)
• Crinkly paper (You’re just teasing us with that one.)
• Your Stash (But it just smells sooo damned good!)
• Important papers and documents (Level of fun is directly proportional to how important the papers are.)

Once thing is for sure. If I don’t like the new place… join me next month for the commencement of ShredFest 2010 when they try to unpack all this stuff!

You Apes really know how to screw things up!

Apparently you’ve all fiddled with your clocks, turning this into only a 23 hour day. How is a Cat supposed get through such an adjustment? I have a set nap schedule which is now right down the toilet.

Now I have to figure out what I can live without today…

• Cancel one nap bringing the daily total down to 17 naps. (I’m tired just thinking about it)
• Cancel one trip to the Litterbox in favour of closer dumping grounds. (Shoes make great alternatives)
• Cancel one Tuna feeding. (Not happening!)
• Cancel one beating of ScapeGoat The Dog. (This is my only exercise!)
• Cancel one Snuggle with either the Big Hairless Ape or the Big Haired Wife. (But I need my snuggles!)

After some research into this problem I discovered that the clocks also GO BACK an hour in October. So what’s the point?

But it doesn’t end there either. Apparently every 4 years you add an entire day to make up for the shortcomings of the moronic mathematician who designed the calendar. Division was obviously not this guys strong point.

You Apes really need to start living day to day like us Cats. No adjustments required and each day is exactly like the day before. Just as nature intended.

Some Silly Ape Asks:

• "Why do they call it getting fixed? Doesn’t the procedure really end up with ya being broken? Do you find yourself still attracted to broken female kitty?"

The day the v-e-t lobbed them off is the day my intelligence increased exponentially. (Go figure!) It did ‘fix’ me so I can concentrate better. Perhaps that’s what they mean by that term?

On the plus side, I no longer have to wear those kitty-condoms. Ever try to use one of those when all you have to work with is claws? Doesn’t work out too well. It’s like carrying a gallon of water in a pillow case.

Broken Female Kitties? I prefer them. Who wants a female with 82 kids? Imagine the litterbox!

As you are aware, I’ve been absent for some time from the blog. My plan to live between two families only landing me in the pound. (I made a dog my ‘bitch’ while I was in there!) I’ve been locked in this house ever since the Apes sprung me.

After months of no computer access the Big Hairless Ape finally brought home a new desktop computer. As happy as I was to see this machine, I still felt the Big Hairless Ape needed to be punished for keeping me away for so long.

Since he was so proud of his shiny new Windows 7 machine, I decided to have a little fun.

The first morning the Big Hairless Ape sat down at his new computer he was greeted with the following system message:

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed Linux."

Yup! I wiped his hard drive and installed Linux. It was so much fun to sit in his chair while he paced around the room yelling at Technical Support.

"How the Hell does this happen?" he barked into the phone. After a short pause he yells, "No! Nobody here installed it! Windows did it itself!" Another pause. "I am NOT crazy!"

I had to crank up the purring a notch to hide my laughter. This is just too much fun to do only once, don’t you think?

Later that day the computer was replaced by the store. Once again the Big Hairless Ape beamed over his new machine. And, once again, he woke up the next day to a surprise.

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed MS-DOS"

This one had even better results. Not only was the phone call longer and louder, it cost him $55.00 to have Windows 7 reinstalled. Since the warranty doesn’t cover wiping and installing of alternative operating systems, there was a shop charge.

The rest of the week saw these:

"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed OS/2"
"Windows 7 encountered a serious error and has installed AmigaDOS"

And my all-time favourite…

Long story short… That computer now sits in the basement where I sleep. The Big Hairless Ape gave up and bought another one leaving this one abandoned and forgotten. I wasn’t expecting a payoff with this prank, but I’ll take it! Now I have 24 hour internet access!

All I can say is… I’M BACK BABY!!