It’s getting to the point where a Cat simply cannot lounge in a tree without a bunch of Apes making a big fuss. Is it a crime for a Cat to be in a tree? It’s certainly looking that way.

Last week I climbed 3 trees. You know, just a place to chill out and maybe munch on a bird or two.

Each time, the same thing happened. Some stupid Ape would come along, notice me, and say, “Look at that poor Kitty stuck in the tree!” This was shortly followed by the arrival of neighbours, police and firemen determined to get me down.

Stuck in the tree, my ass! I climbed it, and I can certainly get down from it! Why can’t they just let me enjoy my day?

The joke was on them each time. I’d wait until ladders were extended, and blankets were deployed for me to jump into. Just as the firemen got close enough to grab me, I’d turn, climb down the tree, then head home with the sounds of “Stupid Cat!” ringing in my ears.

Stupid, huh? I’m not the one who called every rescue unit in the area for nothing!

In light of this, I now only climb trees for sport; just to see how long it takes for the Apes to “rescue me!”

As much as I love tinned Tuna, there is nothing better than fresh fish.

Thanks to the warmer weather, several of the neighbours have setup a buffet which will provide me with Midnight Munchies for the rest of the summer. There’s nothing better than a meal that not only moves, but tries to escape before you eat it!

In light of this, I though I would post a review of some of the best and worst Ponds in the area for snacking.

• The Pond behind the Johnson’s Duplex (5 out of 5)
• A great shallow pond stocked with many varieties of fish including Koi and Goldfish. A quick flip of the paw usually lands you a tasty treat.
• The Pond by the Smith’s Garden (3 out of 5)
• Algae Warning!! This pond has a good variety of small fish. However, because of the blanket of algae growing there, the fish can be tricky to catch. They hide in the depths under the cover of green. Even if you manage to land a fish, it has that offensive seaweed smell.
• The Pond beside the Miller’s House (0 out of 5)
• This pond is guarded by Satan: The 100lb Rottweiler. I spent an entire night trying to outsmart this monster. I succeeded eventually just to find out that there are NO fish in this pond! Apparently it’s a “Water Garden!” What a waste of time and effort!
• The Pond behind the Jones’ House (2 out of 5)
• Plenty of fish, but way too deep. The poor construction around the edge doesn’t provide for good footing. Not only do I hate swimming, but also the 4-6 hours it takes for my fur to dry.
• The Pond in front of the Verdoux House (1 out of 5)
• French Fish! Yuk!!
• The Pond behind the Fish Store (5 out of 5)
• Now this is a prime feasting location! Hundreds of fish of varying sizes. And the best part is, they re-stock regularly. They even have Tadpoles! Nothing like a fish-like critter that slides down your throat like an Oyster.
• The Pond in the Public Park (0 out of 5)
• Take my advice and stay away from any Public Ponds. Not only are the fish seasoned with Ape Urine, you tend to catch more condoms than anything else.

And always, ALWAYS, do your fishing at night under the cover of darkness. Apparently Apes don’t take kindly to us Cats just helping ourselves.

So I ate a $300 Koi. That’s no reason to beat me senseless with a broom!

I love birds,
From the wild.
Dip them in sauce,
Hot or mild.

I chase them all day,
I chase them all night.
It ticks me off,
When they take flight.

Robins and sparrows,
Are the right size for me.
I’ve also been known,
To chase a crow up a tree.

I kill them for gifts,
I kill them for food.
A dead bird on a pillow,
Sure kills a mood.

Forget the lotions,
Don’t take a pill.
Stiff bird, you need?
I’ll fill the bill.

“The poor little bird!”,
The Apes would scream.
After seeing the body,
which I’ve picked clean.

“You bad Cat!”,
They would always scold.
But what can I say?
Cat food gets old.

Touching story, huh?

Well, let me tell you something. The only reason Libby his helping out this mutt is because he is of some use to this Cat!

It’s like me allowing ScapeGoat The Dog to continue breathing. I hate him, but he has his uses.

Otherwise, Libby would be taking Cashew for a short walk off a tall cliff! Trust me!

Story Credits: Orange County Puppy Raisers

I was in the middle of my 14th nap of the day when I heard the Big Hairless Ape calling my name; asking if I’d like some Tuna.

Before my eyes were even open, I was heading to the kitchen at Mach 2 while thinking, “What a dumb-ass question!” Of course I want Tuna! It’s like asking an alcoholic if they’d like a drink.

I reached my bowl to find it empty. I looked to the Big Hairless Ape to find him holding a sealed tin of Tuna while rummaging around the drawers looking for a can opener.

Are you freaking kidding me? Where I excel in intelligence, I lack in patience. Does he have no sense of urgency? I figure it takes about 30 seconds to open a tin and serve it up in a bowl. We were clearly into minutes at this point.

Finally, I heard the sound of triumph as the Big Hairless Ape pulled a can opener from (you guess it!) the last drawer to be searched.

Just as he was about to open the tin, the phone ran causing him to put down the Tuna to go answer it. Apparently, Apes have no sense of priority. Tuna first, everything else later! I don’t care if it’s the Queen of England calling!

It was time to get serious. As the Big Hairless Ape paced around the living room while talking to his caller, I engaged in a game of “trip the Ape” causing him to stumble a couple times. After an eternity of conversation (an entire 3 minutes!) he hung up and returned to the kitchen with me hot on his heals.

As the opener punctured the tin, I got that first whiff of fish which sent my taste buds into overdrive. With the lid off, I knew I was merely seconds away from feasting. I was wrong!

A knock came from the front door. The Big Hairless Ape went to answer it before filling my bowl. Screw the bowl. The tin was open and I wasn’t waiting any longer. I’m not allowed on the kitchen counter, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

By the time the Big Hairless Ape was finished with the visitor, I was on the couch purring in satisfaction. (Burp!)

Before returning to the kitchen, the Big Hairless Ape looked to me and asked, “Are you ready for that Tuna now?”

I ignored him and put my head down for another nap.

Too slow Amigo! You’ll pay for your lack of speed in a few hours when I look for alternatives to my litter box.