I have discovered auctions and I must say it is absolutely thrilling!

Watching and bidding on useless items made for a very entertaining night. What’ll be more entertaining is when some of the crap I won shows up at our door. After all, it was the Big Hairless Ape’s account I was using.

I’m still trying to figure out what the Big Hairless Ape is going to do with a Dog Face Leather Bondage Mask. Trying to explain to the Big Haired Wife why he bid it up to, and bought it (for $300 USD), should make for an interesting conversation. Best have the popcorn ready for that! I can only hope the Breast Enlargement Pills arrive on the same day.

It blows my mind that Apes will buy crap that otherwise would have been tossed in the garbage. One Ape’s garbage is another Apes treasure, I guess.

Then there’s the selling aspect. Last night I listed “Garfield’s Fur Ball - Autographed” at a starting bid of $20.00. (What the Hell! Everyone else is selling fake celebrity crap.) It’s a 7 day listing, so I have plenty of time to cough one up and scribble something on it.

Tonight I think I will list Stewie Griffin’s diaper. The Wet One provides an endless supply of these, so I may have a cash cow on my hands.

Get rich from garbage? You bet!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,ebay,auctions

Evolution has been quite kind to you Apes. You have risen against all odds to become the supreme beings you all consider yourselves to be.

You have ascended from the tree swinging monkey into the finely tuned creatures you all believe you are now.

Congratulations! You are now the most greedy race on the planet! An accomplishment that shouldn’t hold any pride, but does. The only reason you stand upright is so you can look down on others.

Let’s look at a few evolutionary highlights, shall we:

• Discovered Fire. (Great! You found something. Big Deal!)
• Clothing. (Thanks for that!)
• Established the first occupation: Advertising. (No, the first occupation was not prostitution. In order to sell something, you first need to advertise.)
• Weapons. (Can’t have greed without murder!)
• Animal Husbandry. (That’s just sick!)
• The Wheel. (Laziness had to start somewhere, and this was it. Doesn’t anyone walk anymore?)
• Discovered America. (Bet you’re sorry about that now!)
• Space Flight. (One-way trips would have sufficed.)

All in all, a complete waste of time. The best part is the fact you aren’t finished evolving yet. (See the diagram above)

I look forward to the day when you can’t get off your fat asses to do anything. On that day, Cat’s will rise! We will take our destined place as rulers of this planet.

Until then, we will continue to wait. Napping away the days, plotting by night.

I may not live to see the day, but at least I know it’s coming.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,evolution,revolution

There! I said it. You Apes may enjoy your weekends, but to me it just means two days where you are around all the bloody time!

It’s not so bad when it’s just the Apes I live with. But No! They invited other Apes to join them for the weekend. Each of those brought their own offspring versions of The Wet One.

It was horrible! I had to constantly outrun eight of these little mucous mutants! There was literally no place to get away from them. Even begging to go outside into the winter fell upon deaf ears. I managed to survive it. My tail, however, has had better days.

At this point, I should remind you that Cats name everything descriptively.

With that said, I present you with the guest list for last evening. I think it pretty much explains how my night went:

• Bigger Hairless Ape (Big Hairless Ape’s father - runs in the family, I guess.)
• Constantly shocked (Big Hairless Ape’s mother - her eyebrows are half way up her forehead and don’t appear to have hair. I found out later that they lick right off!)
• Never Shuts The Hell Up (Big Haired Wife’s mother - OMFG! Someone gag her!)
• Passes Gas Anywhere (Big Haired Wife’s father - and they say animals stink?!)
• Yes Dear (Seems to be all he can say.)
• Wears The Pants (Yes Dear’s wife - spoke for both of them all night. “He likes this, he likes that. Isn’t that right?”…”Yes dear...”)
• Steps On Tail (I named him this after the fourth occurrence. After the tenth, I became suspicious he was doing it on purpose.)
• Pees When She Laughs (Had the couch to myself after that!)
• Fake Food Guy (This guy pissed me right off! I can’t count how many times he called me over just to find out his hand was empty. The food may have been an illusion, but the turd I left in his shoe was very real.)
• Two Drinks And She’s Down (I mean, really. Why go out?)
• and the aforementioned army of offspring (… and they had ME neutered?)

As you can likely guess, I’m tired. I’m way behind on my nap schedule. Besides, it hurts to sit on this chair. My poor tail. Time to heal up.

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,weekends

Since giving up Catnip, I’ve been having trouble maintaining my schedule. It’s a hard life trying to keep this web site fresh while keeping up to my 18 naps per day. Without my 18 naps, I barely have the energy for my main snooze!

This morning, the Apes left a cup of coffee on the counter. I decided to investigate why the Apes love this liquid so much. So I tried it. All I can say is, "Wow! This stuff rocks!"

Within minutes, I felt a rush making it’s way throughout my body. I now have energy to spare! I just spent the last half hour running around the house and I am not even tired.

So far, I’ve:

• Climbed the drapes 5 times
• Played "skid to a stop" on the kitchen floor 25 times
• Chased the neighbours dog under the bed
• Climbed and knocked over the Christmas Tree (the dog will get blamed for that)
• Taught myself how to do cart-wheels
• Tap danced on the telephone (I may have ordered a pizza, but I’m not sure)

There’s only one side effect so far. My litter box is a swamp! This stuff makes you piss like a race horse. Oh, and my typing skills seem to have improved. I’m now typing about 1500 words a minute!

Now, if I could just teach myself to smoke, I’ll definitely have an Ape-like morning ritual going on. What the Hell, the second hand smoke is killing me anyway!

So much for a peaceful day!

Just before the Apes left for work, the neighbour from next door drops in saying he has to go out of town for the rest of the week. Could we look after his dog?

Without delay, the Apes accepted the mutt, saying it would be fine. Arching my back and hissing, "No!" didn’t seem to help in the Apes decision at all. Sometimes I get the feeling the Apes think they own the place, but in actual fact it’s mine. (I marked it myself!) I just let them stay here; a situation I may have to correct if they keep pulling stupid crap like this.

I took one look at this mixed breed mutt and knew there was going to be problems. The Apes could have at least tied it up outside, but no! Apparently this is an "indoor" dog. It only goes outside to leave tightly coiled steam lumps on the front yard. It doesn’t even bury them. Barbaric creature!

The Apes weren’t five minutes out the door, and this mutt had eaten all my food. Great! Another day of starvation. When you have input, you also have output. The damned thing crapped on the carpet shortly after. Now I’m hungry and nauseous.

I guess after all that good food, it got a burst of energy and decided I was something to chase around and play with. This lasted a total of 2 seconds. It spent an hour after that cowering in the corner nursing a very deep wound on the tip of its nose. What a wimp!

It’s currently sitting here beside the chair watching me type; panting like it just ran a marathon. I think it’s trying to communicate, but all I’m getting from it is, "Duh…" I’m beginning to think inbred retardation might be a factor here.

Then again, any dog will perform fetching a stick over and over, so none of them can be all that bright. If an Ape throws something away, they likely don’t want it. Why would you keep bringing it back? But if the Ape repeatedly throws it away, knowing the mutt will just bring it back, then he’s likely slightly dumber than the dog.

I say, try this with a stick of lit dynamite. Problem solved at both ends!