One of the more degrading things I’ve had to do in order to spread word of this web site was to prostitute myself and sign up to various social networks. (Using the Big Hairless Ape’s credentials, of course)

One of the more troubling of these is FaceBook.

I know what you’re thinking, "Oh, no! Another blogger posting about the privacy issues concerning FaceBook." Well, it’s not. Being a Cat, I have very little use for privacy. Hell, I’ll crap right in front of you, given the chance.

I thought I might be missing something here. So, just to double check that I had the meaning of the word "social" in my head correctly, I looked it up and found the following entry:

living or disposed to live in companionship with others or in a community, rather than in isolation: People are social beings.

If Apes are such social beings, then why are they all sitting at a computer by themselves trying to make virtual friends, having virtual beers, and just being virtually boring? I guess being in each others face without actually having to see any facial expressions (like the above mentioned boredom) makes this an attractive hot spot. 

I suppose being a Cat, I see things differently. I just don’t get it. I don’t get excited by activity notices from FaceBook which seem to flood my inbox.

Such as:

• "Someone has written on your wall" (I’m a Cat! I’ll mark my own wall, thank you very much!)
• "So n’ So wants to be your friend" (Get out of the house! Make real friends! Leave me alone!)
• "You have email" (No, I have a "notice" about email. Now I have to take time out of my busy nap schedule to log into FaceBook to read meaningless twaddle about nothing.)

I guess I could just close the account, but after reading Steve Mansour’s post 2504 Steps to Closing your FaceBook Account, I hardly have the time for that. The Apes would have to be away for a long weekend to perform this.

Since I haven’t shared any critical information with FaceBook, I think I’ll just let the account rust and mark any notices from them as Junk. An appropriate category if you ask me!

You apes are certainly one scary sight first thing in the morning. Puffy eyes, hair all over the place, and grumpy!

Not to mention your priorities are all screwed up. First my food, then your coffee. It’s the natural order of things. Does it happen that way? No!

Every morning I have to damned near trip one of the Apes before I get anything good to eat. I find figure 8’s around the ankles to be a good tactic. Usually it causes the Ape in question to stop what they’re doing and feed me.

This morning, however, was different. The Apes slept late and were rushing around trying to get ready for work on time. And they pulled it off.

They just forgot one thing: my food! Apparently I rate below The Wet One who got fed first. Ever since that thing came into the house, I have been rated second class. I’m sick of it!

Oh well, there’s still the other half of the potted mum I started to eat the other day. It gives me the runs, but that’s okay. I’ll just find somewhere other than the litter box to evacuate my bowels. I know many secluded spots where I can do this.

The smell will drive them nuts for the next several days. This should be fun!

One thing I love about being a Cat is my superior hearing. I can pick up two gnats doing it from miles away, and I don’t even have to be awake to do it.

Like today for instance, I was having my 12th nap of the day on the bed when I heard something messing with my kibble. I thought this odd as I was the only one in the house.

Fully awake, I ran downstairs to the kitchen and saw the culprit; a mouse happily snacking on MY food! The nerve!

Before I knew it, instinct kicked in and I pounced. Got it in one try! I looked around. Just my luck, nobody was around to see it. Oh well.

This will make a great gift for the Apes, I thought. There is simply no greater gift a Cat can give than a dead rodent or bird. When the Apes get home I’ll be greatly rewarded! Visions of being smothered in treats and affection danced in my head.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Seems I didn’t kill it after all. Only stunned it. I went from "Good Boy" to "Damned Cat" in the space of seconds. I don’t see the problem. A gift is a gift, is it not? The visions of reward disappeared just as quickly.

It was the Big Haired Wife who discovered it was still alive when she picked it up. Startled, she dropped it, then as it ran away she turned to me; screaming for me to catch it. Screw that! I already caught it. It was her who let it go. Besides, I was sure a second attempt would not have gone as well as the first. The element of surprise was no longer on my side.

I just walked away. You want the damned mouse? Catch it yourself. I’m late for my 13th nap!

Okay, the Apes have flipped their lids. They brought a dying tree into the house!

I assume this is some kind of Ape ritual. To bring a dying tree into the house, have all of your family members gather to tie it in wire cord and decorate it in shiny stringy material. All done while consuming fermented vegetable matter.

It was horrible. It had been cut off just above the root and had been seeping sap for some time by the looks of it. It wasn’t long for life, that was for sure.

So I sprang into action! They were going to plug the wire cord into a socket! I had to stop it, so I started to bat the plug around hoping to damage it…

Well, that got me the rest of the night outside. This is what I get for trying to help! It was cold too. I felt like one of those brass monkeys I keep hearing about. At least theirs fell off, mine weren’t that lucky. (re: Day 374 at the v-e-t)

By the time I got let in this morning, it was all over. There it sat. Lifeless, covered in blinking lights and decoration. Coloured boxes lay at its root stub to cover up the seeping sap.

I tried to look away but found I couldn’t. The sparking and twinkling was mesmerizing! Drawing me to it somehow. I started to move closer…

“NO!” bellowed the Big Hairless Ape.

I moved twice to go around him only to be presented with the same result; the Big Hairless Ape in front of me grunting something about staying away or back outside.

I’m smarter than a brass monkey, so I conceded. After all, it was too late. There was nothing more I could do. The tree was dead.

I’ll just have to stay out of the living room for the duration. I’ve seen enough. After some research, I’m told that this is a Christmas ritual. You can keep it!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,Christmas tree

One of the first problems I had in launching this web site was coming up with the cash to pay for the Domain and Hosting.

Since dead mice and birds don’t seem to count as valid currency, I had to be willing to do anything in order to raise the funds.

I had spent enough lap time with the Big Hairless Ape while he worked his Web Magic that I knew I could build the web site, but I just couldn’t pay for it. What good is this knowledge if I can’t deploy it?

On day 1228 I decided to snuggle with the Big Hairless Ape while he was doing some online shopping. This snuggling is a shameless activity I must endure as I have many facial glands which need massaging frequently.

While he was clicking away, I noticed something. All his logon information on various web sites were already pre-entered for him. All he had to do is hit a login button, and he was spending away. Later, I found out this is a feature in most web browsers called Autofill and works in conjunction with Cookies.

So that night, I managed to get into the cookie jar. Luck was on my side. We had the proper cookie. A Peanut Butter Cookie beside the keyboard while logging into the Big Hairless Ape’s PayPal account did the trick. I was in! And a healthy balance to boot! A few more clicks, I had this web site ordered and paid for. Sweet deal!

Now, it’s 3 weeks later and there’s Peanut Butter Cookies in the house once again. Before everyone eats them, I figured I needed to insure my financial future. With cookie in place, I once again used Autofill as my friend; logging into and purchasing the "Cookie of the Month Club" subscription for the next 2 years. (Specifying "Peanut Butter only")

I now have security in knowing that at least once a month, I’ll have access to some quick cash. I just can’t let the Apes know I can get into the cookie jar.