I can never understand why you Apes think of us Cats as disgusting when we bring home a rodent or bird to munch on. 

Generally, this results in a wincing look of disgust followed shortly by the theft of my lunch as you toss it in the garbage while calling me a "Bad Cat!"

No, I’m a good Cat! I caught and killed the damned thing myself. I didn’t squeeze my fat ass into a vehicle to drive to a store to get pre-killed stuff. Where’s the fun in that?

What is really disgusting is some of the crap you Apes will eat. Allow me to clarify:

• Calamari – Call it what it is: Squid! Don’t church it up by giving it a fancy name. Although I love seafood, this stuff gives me the creeps. Squid! Yuk!
• Oysters – You might as well lick the contents of a used Kleenex!
• Tongue – I simply refuse to taste anything which tastes me back!
• Monkey Brains – This is considered a rare delicacy? Not rare enough! Isn’t this borderline cannibalism?
• Pigs Feet – After a lifetime of walking around in barnyard shit, you’d actually put this in your mouth? (Note to self: Don’t let the Apes kiss me ever again!)
• Testicles – Are you serious? Makes me wonder about the true reasons for my trip to the v-e-t on Day 374. Did my "boys" end up on a plate somewhere?
• Dog - Finally! A valid use for these creatures.
• Cat – Now hold the frikkin’ phone! Cat’s are to be adored, petted, and cuddled. Not roasted, toasted, or basted. You even come close to me with a meat cleaver, you’re getting claws in the face! Simple as that!

So next time your Cat drags something home, think twice about what you eat. Let us enjoy our simple quarry.

After my nightmare yesterday with the 12 Days Of Christmas, I haven’t been able to get the tune of that insipid Christmas Carol out of my head!

It’s there all the time. I simply cannot do anything without it creeping to the front of my thoughts. Even when reading stuff, it’s to that tune.

Now, I find myself writing to that effect. Observe:

1. On the First Day of Vista, MS gave to me: An OS promised to satisfy me.
2. On the Second Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
3. On the Third Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 3 missing drivers,  2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
4. On the Fourth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
5. On the Fifth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
6. On the Sixth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
7. On the Seventh Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
8. On the Eighth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
9. On the Ninth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
10. On the Tenth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 10 lost files, 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
11. On the Eleventh Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 11 thoughts of murder, 10 lost files, 9 hardware issues, 8 network problems, 7 critical errors, 6-hour headaches, 5 broken themes. 4 different versions, 3 missing drivers, 2 random reboots, of an OS promised to satisfy me.
12. On the Twelfth Day of Vista, MS gave to me: 12 reasons to upgrade to XP!

On the First Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: A Partridge in a Pear Tree.

• The bird was delicious! I tossed the tree.

On the second Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 2 Turtle Doves.

• Not nearly as good as the partridge, but at least there were 2 of them.

On the Third Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 3 French Hens.

• Begging for their lives in a different language did nothing. Again: delicious!

On the Forth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 4 Calling Birds.

• Okay, I’m starting to get sick of birds. How about some beef?

On the Fifth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 5 Golden Rings.

• Jewellery only works for a different kind of pussy!

On the Sixth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 6 Geese a Laying.

• So we’re back to the birds, huh? And not just birds, big frikkin’ birds! I couldn’t even take down one of these monsters, let alone 6 of them.

On the Seventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 7 Swans a Swimming.

• Look! If I had trouble with the Geese, what the Hell makes you think I can kill a Swan? And the only thing they were swimming in was Goose shit!

On the Eighth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 8 Maids a Milking.

• They each brought their own cow! The milk was good, but I got crapped on 5 times.

On the Ninth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 9 Ladies Dancing.

• Okay, it’s starting to get a little crowded in here. Also, they didn’t do much dancing as they kept slipping in the river of shit that has now collected.

On the Tenth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 10 Lords a Leaping.

• Who the Hell let them out of the closet?

On the Eleventh Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 11 Pipers Piping.

• Not only does it stink bad in here, the racket these guys put out was intolerable.

On the Twelfth Day Of Christmas, the Big Hairless Ape gave to me: 12 Drummers Drumming.

• OMFG! I can’t hear myself think! Do you realize there are now 50 people in here? Not to mention 8 cows, and 13 uneaten birds. I’m losing my mind…

{…Gorgeous suddenly wakes up and sighs in relief…}

It was just a dream. Whew! I wonder what’s for dinner. Anything but birds, hopefully.

Am I missing something here? The last time I checked it was considered taboo for a strange old man to be giving children gifts. Yet here’s a guy who travels the world doing just that.

Is it not also odd that he spends most of his time with dwarfed men making toys for these children? Sure, he has a wife, but I think this just might be a ploy to hide is obsession.

Apparently, he has a list of all children too. He separates the entries into "Naughty" and "Nice" You have to wonder which he prefers.

To think that you Apes will actually take you children out to see him. You let them sit on his lap while he asks them personal questions. Then to top it all off, you let him sneak into your house while you’re sleeping to pig out on cookies and milk.

Well, not this house! That milk is mine, and the cookies should be for The Wet One. This will be one house where we’re going to be ready for him. Sneaks down the chimney, huh? I’ll bet he’ll make a U-turn when faced with a roaring fire at the bottom.

You Apes are so misguided. Apparently you all think he has flying deer. Lay off the booze for crying out loud!

Some silly Ape asks:

• “Why?”

{…Gorgeous ponders the question while licking his butt, then shrugs…}

Why not?

The same silly Ape also asks:

• “…”

{…Gorgeous lets out a yelp…}

Yikes! Triple-Strength period! Run for your lives!

{…Gorgeous manages to type out the word “Midol” before hiding under the bed…}

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