Okay, the Apes have flipped their lids. They brought a dying tree into the house!

I assume this is some kind of Ape ritual. To bring a dying tree into the house, have all of your family members gather to tie it in wire cord and decorate it in shiny stringy material. All done while consuming fermented vegetable matter.

It was horrible. It had been cut off just above the root and had been seeping sap for some time by the looks of it. It wasn’t long for life, that was for sure.

So I sprang into action! They were going to plug the wire cord into a socket! I had to stop it, so I started to bat the plug around hoping to damage it…

Well, that got me the rest of the night outside. This is what I get for trying to help! It was cold too. I felt like one of those brass monkeys I keep hearing about. At least theirs fell off, mine weren’t that lucky. (re: Day 374 at the v-e-t)

By the time I got let in this morning, it was all over. There it sat. Lifeless, covered in blinking lights and decoration. Coloured boxes lay at its root stub to cover up the seeping sap.

I tried to look away but found I couldn’t. The sparking and twinkling was mesmerizing! Drawing me to it somehow. I started to move closer…

“NO!” bellowed the Big Hairless Ape.

I moved twice to go around him only to be presented with the same result; the Big Hairless Ape in front of me grunting something about staying away or back outside.

I’m smarter than a brass monkey, so I conceded. After all, it was too late. There was nothing more I could do. The tree was dead.

I’ll just have to stay out of the living room for the duration. I’ve seen enough. After some research, I’m told that this is a Christmas ritual. You can keep it!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,Christmas tree

One of the first problems I had in launching this web site was coming up with the cash to pay for the Domain and Hosting.

Since dead mice and birds don’t seem to count as valid currency, I had to be willing to do anything in order to raise the funds.

I had spent enough lap time with the Big Hairless Ape while he worked his Web Magic that I knew I could build the web site, but I just couldn’t pay for it. What good is this knowledge if I can’t deploy it?

On day 1228 I decided to snuggle with the Big Hairless Ape while he was doing some online shopping. This snuggling is a shameless activity I must endure as I have many facial glands which need massaging frequently.

While he was clicking away, I noticed something. All his logon information on various web sites were already pre-entered for him. All he had to do is hit a login button, and he was spending away. Later, I found out this is a feature in most web browsers called Autofill and works in conjunction with Cookies.

So that night, I managed to get into the cookie jar. Luck was on my side. We had the proper cookie. A Peanut Butter Cookie beside the keyboard while logging into the Big Hairless Ape’s PayPal account did the trick. I was in! And a healthy balance to boot! A few more clicks, I had this web site ordered and paid for. Sweet deal!

Now, it’s 3 weeks later and there’s Peanut Butter Cookies in the house once again. Before everyone eats them, I figured I needed to insure my financial future. With cookie in place, I once again used Autofill as my friend; logging into and purchasing the "Cookie of the Month Club" subscription for the next 2 years. (Specifying "Peanut Butter only")

I now have security in knowing that at least once a month, I’ll have access to some quick cash. I just can’t let the Apes know I can get into the cookie jar.

I hear them on TV, the Radio, and I’ve seen them on the Internet. Analogies and Phrases regarding Cats and their use to help Apes make a point in conversation. Granted, some are true, but most are nothing more than a fabrication of lies at the Cat’s expense. This simply will not do!

So I skipped a nap and came up with a list of Phrases and explanations which should help you Apes realize that some of these really aren’t helping your conversations at all.

Here we go:

• "It’s the Cat’s meow!" (ApeLore: Something handy or favourable) – First off, the only reason we meow is to get an Apes attention. It can mean anything from "Fill my food dish, you bastard!" to "If you don’t scoop my litter box soon, I’m going to crap in your boot!" Secondly, a meow is not a Cat’s primary form of communication. If you hear us meow, you’d better bloody well pay attention!!
• "It’s the Cat’s Ass!" (ApeLore: Extremely handy or favourable) – Have you ever smelt or tasted a Cat’s ass? I have! It’s not very pleasant. I only do this out of necessity after each trip to the litter box since toilet paper and claws makes for a painful cleanup. Snuggling up to an Ape and licking their face afterwards tends to dull the taste anyway.
• "It’s raining Cats and Dogs!" (ApeLore: It’s raining very hard) – Absurd! You would never see Cats and Dogs in the same downpour!
• "Like a Cat on a hot tin roof." (ApeLore: Extremely agitated) – Only the inbred and utterly stupid Cats would ever attempt this! (Yes, each species has their fair share of morons. Cats are no exception.)
• "Cat got your tongue?" (ApeLore: Speechless) – Totally gross! What the Hell would we want with the tongue of an Ape? I’ve seen a couple of Ape activities involving the tongue… Enough said!
• "There’s more than one way to skin a Cat." (ApeLore: Multiple options) – Are you serious? And here I thought hacking away with a knife was the only way!
• "Curiosity killed the Cat." (ApeLore: Warning about being curious) – No, poor footing and a wet surface killed the Cat.
• "You can’t swing a dead Cat in here." (ApeLore: It’s crowded) – The swinging of dead Cats is not a practical way of determining personal space. First off, we’re dead! Leave us alone! Second, carrying around a dead cat likely isn’t going to get you that date at last call. I don’t care how drunk he or she is!

So there you have it. Next time you’re having a conversation and you need to make an analogy, leave us the Hell out of it!

What a night! There’s nothing quite like freshly picked Catnip! Normally all I usually get is that dried crap from the store. But this time, the Big Hairless Ape came through with the good stuff!

Perhaps too good! All I remember is tasting it, rolling in it, then nothing. I completely blacked out and don’t remember a bloody thing!

I woke up this morning in the closet with the Big Haired Wife’s fur coat. Considering the position I found myself in, I get the feeling I did more than just sleep with it. I’m not sure how, because after day 374 at the v-e-t (I have no idea why this needs to be spelt, it just does!) I no longer have the equipment to do much more. But you never know. Catnip makes me do some wild things, and fornicating with anything with fur is just a normal reaction to the glorious high the Nip delivers.

However, I’m starting to believe I may have a problem with the stuff. The Big Hairless Ape dishes the stuff out like is grows on bushes or something. I should just say, “no!” but simply cannot. I get one whiff of the stuff, and I am off again.

So, after the Apes left the house this morning, I did some searching about addiction on Google. (that’s a funny word!) All I found was something about The 12 Steps which isn’t going to help me at all. I may be intelligent, but my attention span sucks!

{… A fly lands on the computer screen causing Gorgeous to spend the next 5 minutes chasing it around the room …}

See! Case in point! What I need is something much simpler and quicker. I simply need to show the Big Hairless Ape that I am no longer interested in the stuff. Easier said than done!

I came up with a plan. All I needed to do was to get rid of the remaining Catnip and replace it with something else that I would have no interest in. Something similar in looks, but without the Nip smell. With this done, the Big Hairless Ape would no longer be entertained by my antics while high on the stuff.

I found just the substitute too. It was hidden in the bottom of the Big Hairless Ape’s sock drawer in a small baggie. I took a whiff, and nothing. Perfect! Since the Catnip was in a similar baggie, this made the swap fairly easy. I would just have to remember to be out of the house the next time the Big Hairless Ape twisted some of this stuff into a paper to smoke it.

Problem solved. The remaining Catnip will go up in smoke, and I can retain just a little dignity the next time the swapped “Catnip” is presented to me. I will take a whiff, hold my head high, and walk away. No more entertainment value for the Apes.

The Apes are here to entertain me, it simply shouldn’t be the other way around! So there!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,catnip

You Apes sure are a curious bunch! It’s been less than a day since I added the “Ask Gorgeous” option to the site, and I already have my first question.

I am more than willing to skip a nap here and there to answer all your petty questions. So go ahead! You might learn something.

Some silly Ape asks:

• “since you mentioned this on your question page, what exactly IS the meaning of life? What’s it all about?”

{Gorgeous ponders the question while scratching in his litter box…}

You have actually asked two questions here. But that’s okay. I’ll just have to put off unrolling the toilet paper until tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me that you Apes spend your entire lives seeking an answer to The Meaning Of Life. The reason the answer eludes you is because you have traded off instinct for education. The solution is built into the core of every creature on the planet, but you Apes just don’t seem to feel it.

So, here it goes… Get a pencil and start the drum roll…
The meaning of life is as follows: Eat, Sleep, Procreate, Defecate. (For me, 3 out of 4 isn’t bad!)

It doesn’t get any simpler than that! I knew the answer to this moments after my birth. You Apes tend to complicate even the simplest things.

Now, as far as What’s It All About? It’s all about me! Did you not click the “About” button at the top of the page? It tells all!

Does anyone have a hard question?

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour