You apes are certainly one scary sight first thing in the morning. Puffy eyes, hair all over the place, and grumpy!

Not to mention your priorities are all screwed up. First my food, then your coffee. It’s the natural order of things. Does it happen that way? No!

Every morning I have to damned near trip one of the Apes before I get anything good to eat. I find figure 8′s around the ankles to be a good tactic. Usually it causes the Ape in question to stop what they’re doing and feed me.

This morning, however, was different. The Apes slept late and were rushing around trying to get ready for work on time. And they pulled it off.

They just forgot one thing: my food! Apparently I rate below The Wet One who got fed first. Ever since that thing came into the house, I have been rated second class. I’m sick of it!

Oh well, there’s still the other half of the potted mum I started to eat the other day. It gives me the runs, but that’s okay. I’ll just find somewhere other than the litter box to evacuate my bowels. I know many secluded spots where I can do this.

The smell will drive them nuts for the next several days. This should be fun!

One thing I love about being a Cat is my superior hearing. I can pick up two gnats doing it from miles away, and I don’t even have to be awake to do it.

Like today for instance, I was having my 12th nap of the day on the bed when I heard something messing with my kibble. I thought this odd as I was the only one in the house.

Fully awake, I ran downstairs to the kitchen and saw the culprit; a mouse happily snacking on MY food! The nerve!

Before I knew it, instinct kicked in and I pounced. Got it in one try! I looked around. Just my luck, nobody was around to see it. Oh well.

This will make a great gift for the Apes, I thought. There is simply no greater gift a Cat can give than a dead rodent or bird. When the Apes get home I’ll be greatly rewarded! Visions of being smothered in treats and affection danced in my head.

Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. Seems I didn’t kill it after all. Only stunned it. I went from "Good Boy" to "Damned Cat" in the space of seconds. I don’t see the problem. A gift is a gift, is it not? The visions of reward disappeared just as quickly.

It was the Big Haired Wife who discovered it was still alive when she picked it up. Startled, she dropped it, then as it ran away she turned to me; screaming for me to catch it. Screw that! I already caught it. It was her who let it go. Besides, I was sure a second attempt would not have gone as well as the first. The element of surprise was no longer on my side.

I just walked away. You want the damned mouse? Catch it yourself. I’m late for my 13th nap!

Okay, the Apes have flipped their lids. They brought a dying tree into the house!

I assume this is some kind of Ape ritual. To bring a dying tree into the house, have all of your family members gather to tie it in wire cord and decorate it in shiny stringy material. All done while consuming fermented vegetable matter.

It was horrible. It had been cut off just above the root and had been seeping sap for some time by the looks of it. It wasn’t long for life, that was for sure.

So I sprang into action! They were going to plug the wire cord into a socket! I had to stop it, so I started to bat the plug around hoping to damage it…

Well, that got me the rest of the night outside. This is what I get for trying to help! It was cold too. I felt like one of those brass monkeys I keep hearing about. At least theirs fell off, mine weren’t that lucky. (re: Day 374 at the v-e-t)

By the time I got let in this morning, it was all over. There it sat. Lifeless, covered in blinking lights and decoration. Coloured boxes lay at its root stub to cover up the seeping sap.

I tried to look away but found I couldn’t. The sparking and twinkling was mesmerizing! Drawing me to it somehow. I started to move closer…

“NO!” bellowed the Big Hairless Ape.

I moved twice to go around him only to be presented with the same result; the Big Hairless Ape in front of me grunting something about staying away or back outside.

I’m smarter than a brass monkey, so I conceded. After all, it was too late. There was nothing more I could do. The tree was dead.

I’ll just have to stay out of the living room for the duration. I’ve seen enough. After some research, I’m told that this is a Christmas ritual. You can keep it!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,Christmas tree

One of the first problems I had in launching this web site was coming up with the cash to pay for the Domain and Hosting.

Since dead mice and birds don’t seem to count as valid currency, I had to be willing to do anything in order to raise the funds.

I had spent enough lap time with the Big Hairless Ape while he worked his Web Magic that I knew I could build the web site, but I just couldn’t pay for it. What good is this knowledge if I can’t deploy it?

On day 1228 I decided to snuggle with the Big Hairless Ape while he was doing some online shopping. This snuggling is a shameless activity I must endure as I have many facial glands which need massaging frequently.

While he was clicking away, I noticed something. All his logon information on various web sites were already pre-entered for him. All he had to do is hit a login button, and he was spending away. Later, I found out this is a feature in most web browsers called Autofill and works in conjunction with Cookies.

So that night, I managed to get into the cookie jar. Luck was on my side. We had the proper cookie. A Peanut Butter Cookie beside the keyboard while logging into the Big Hairless Ape’s PayPal account did the trick. I was in! And a healthy balance to boot! A few more clicks, I had this web site ordered and paid for. Sweet deal!

Now, it’s 3 weeks later and there’s Peanut Butter Cookies in the house once again. Before everyone eats them, I figured I needed to insure my financial future. With cookie in place, I once again used Autofill as my friend; logging into and purchasing the "Cookie of the Month Club" subscription for the next 2 years. (Specifying "Peanut Butter only")

I now have security in knowing that at least once a month, I’ll have access to some quick cash. I just can’t let the Apes know I can get into the cookie jar.

I hear them on TV, the Radio, and I’ve seen them on the Internet. Analogies and Phrases regarding Cats and their use to help Apes make a point in conversation. Granted, some are true, but most are nothing more than a fabrication of lies at the Cat’s expense. This simply will not do!

So I skipped a nap and came up with a list of Phrases and explanations which should help you Apes realize that some of these really aren’t helping your conversations at all.

Here we go:

• "It’s the Cat’s meow!" (ApeLore: Something handy or favourable) – First off, the only reason we meow is to get an Apes attention. It can mean anything from "Fill my food dish, you bastard!" to "If you don’t scoop my litter box soon, I’m going to crap in your boot!" Secondly, a meow is not a Cat’s primary form of communication. If you hear us meow, you’d better bloody well pay attention!!
• "It’s the Cat’s Ass!" (ApeLore: Extremely handy or favourable) – Have you ever smelt or tasted a Cat’s ass? I have! It’s not very pleasant. I only do this out of necessity after each trip to the litter box since toilet paper and claws makes for a painful cleanup. Snuggling up to an Ape and licking their face afterwards tends to dull the taste anyway.
• "It’s raining Cats and Dogs!" (ApeLore: It’s raining very hard) – Absurd! You would never see Cats and Dogs in the same downpour!
• "Like a Cat on a hot tin roof." (ApeLore: Extremely agitated) – Only the inbred and utterly stupid Cats would ever attempt this! (Yes, each species has their fair share of morons. Cats are no exception.)
• "Cat got your tongue?" (ApeLore: Speechless) – Totally gross! What the Hell would we want with the tongue of an Ape? I’ve seen a couple of Ape activities involving the tongue… Enough said!
• "There’s more than one way to skin a Cat." (ApeLore: Multiple options) – Are you serious? And here I thought hacking away with a knife was the only way!
• "Curiosity killed the Cat." (ApeLore: Warning about being curious) – No, poor footing and a wet surface killed the Cat.
• "You can’t swing a dead Cat in here." (ApeLore: It’s crowded) – The swinging of dead Cats is not a practical way of determining personal space. First off, we’re dead! Leave us alone! Second, carrying around a dead cat likely isn’t going to get you that date at last call. I don’t care how drunk he or she is!

So there you have it. Next time you’re having a conversation and you need to make an analogy, leave us the Hell out of it!