I hear them on TV, the Radio, and I’ve seen them on the Internet. Analogies and Phrases regarding Cats and their use to help Apes make a point in conversation. Granted, some are true, but most are nothing more than a fabrication of lies at the Cat’s expense. This simply will not do!

So I skipped a nap and came up with a list of Phrases and explanations which should help you Apes realize that some of these really aren’t helping your conversations at all.

Here we go:

• "It’s the Cat’s meow!" (ApeLore: Something handy or favourable) – First off, the only reason we meow is to get an Apes attention. It can mean anything from "Fill my food dish, you bastard!" to "If you don’t scoop my litter box soon, I’m going to crap in your boot!" Secondly, a meow is not a Cat’s primary form of communication. If you hear us meow, you’d better bloody well pay attention!!
• "It’s the Cat’s Ass!" (ApeLore: Extremely handy or favourable) – Have you ever smelt or tasted a Cat’s ass? I have! It’s not very pleasant. I only do this out of necessity after each trip to the litter box since toilet paper and claws makes for a painful cleanup. Snuggling up to an Ape and licking their face afterwards tends to dull the taste anyway.
• "It’s raining Cats and Dogs!" (ApeLore: It’s raining very hard) – Absurd! You would never see Cats and Dogs in the same downpour!
• "Like a Cat on a hot tin roof." (ApeLore: Extremely agitated) – Only the inbred and utterly stupid Cats would ever attempt this! (Yes, each species has their fair share of morons. Cats are no exception.)
• "Cat got your tongue?" (ApeLore: Speechless) – Totally gross! What the Hell would we want with the tongue of an Ape? I’ve seen a couple of Ape activities involving the tongue… Enough said!
• "There’s more than one way to skin a Cat." (ApeLore: Multiple options) – Are you serious? And here I thought hacking away with a knife was the only way!
• "Curiosity killed the Cat." (ApeLore: Warning about being curious) – No, poor footing and a wet surface killed the Cat.
• "You can’t swing a dead Cat in here." (ApeLore: It’s crowded) – The swinging of dead Cats is not a practical way of determining personal space. First off, we’re dead! Leave us alone! Second, carrying around a dead cat likely isn’t going to get you that date at last call. I don’t care how drunk he or she is!

So there you have it. Next time you’re having a conversation and you need to make an analogy, leave us the Hell out of it!

What a night! There’s nothing quite like freshly picked Catnip! Normally all I usually get is that dried crap from the store. But this time, the Big Hairless Ape came through with the good stuff!

Perhaps too good! All I remember is tasting it, rolling in it, then nothing. I completely blacked out and don’t remember a bloody thing!

I woke up this morning in the closet with the Big Haired Wife’s fur coat. Considering the position I found myself in, I get the feeling I did more than just sleep with it. I’m not sure how, because after day 374 at the v-e-t (I have no idea why this needs to be spelt, it just does!) I no longer have the equipment to do much more. But you never know. Catnip makes me do some wild things, and fornicating with anything with fur is just a normal reaction to the glorious high the Nip delivers.

However, I’m starting to believe I may have a problem with the stuff. The Big Hairless Ape dishes the stuff out like is grows on bushes or something. I should just say, “no!” but simply cannot. I get one whiff of the stuff, and I am off again.

So, after the Apes left the house this morning, I did some searching about addiction on Google. (that’s a funny word!) All I found was something about The 12 Steps which isn’t going to help me at all. I may be intelligent, but my attention span sucks!

{… A fly lands on the computer screen causing Gorgeous to spend the next 5 minutes chasing it around the room …}

See! Case in point! What I need is something much simpler and quicker. I simply need to show the Big Hairless Ape that I am no longer interested in the stuff. Easier said than done!

I came up with a plan. All I needed to do was to get rid of the remaining Catnip and replace it with something else that I would have no interest in. Something similar in looks, but without the Nip smell. With this done, the Big Hairless Ape would no longer be entertained by my antics while high on the stuff.

I found just the substitute too. It was hidden in the bottom of the Big Hairless Ape’s sock drawer in a small baggie. I took a whiff, and nothing. Perfect! Since the Catnip was in a similar baggie, this made the swap fairly easy. I would just have to remember to be out of the house the next time the Big Hairless Ape twisted some of this stuff into a paper to smoke it.

Problem solved. The remaining Catnip will go up in smoke, and I can retain just a little dignity the next time the swapped “Catnip” is presented to me. I will take a whiff, hold my head high, and walk away. No more entertainment value for the Apes.

The Apes are here to entertain me, it simply shouldn’t be the other way around! So there!

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,catnip

You Apes sure are a curious bunch! It’s been less than a day since I added the “Ask Gorgeous” option to the site, and I already have my first question.

I am more than willing to skip a nap here and there to answer all your petty questions. So go ahead! You might learn something.

Some silly Ape asks:

• “since you mentioned this on your question page, what exactly IS the meaning of life? What’s it all about?”

{Gorgeous ponders the question while scratching in his litter box…}

You have actually asked two questions here. But that’s okay. I’ll just have to put off unrolling the toilet paper until tomorrow.

It never ceases to amaze me that you Apes spend your entire lives seeking an answer to The Meaning Of Life. The reason the answer eludes you is because you have traded off instinct for education. The solution is built into the core of every creature on the planet, but you Apes just don’t seem to feel it.

So, here it goes… Get a pencil and start the drum roll…
The meaning of life is as follows: Eat, Sleep, Procreate, Defecate. (For me, 3 out of 4 isn’t bad!)

It doesn’t get any simpler than that! I knew the answer to this moments after my birth. You Apes tend to complicate even the simplest things.

Now, as far as What’s It All About? It’s all about me! Did you not click the “About” button at the top of the page? It tells all!

Does anyone have a hard question?

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

Since the Apes are out at some social function for the evening, I thought I would take the opportunity to post a follow up on the food situation. (see previous post)

Officially, I’m on a hunger strike. I simply refuse to eat another morsel of that Fancy Feces! Even if the Apes had the foresight to buy a variety pack, that might have made the situation better. But Noooo! Tuna & Liver, Tuna & Liver, Tuna & Liver. Sickening! Hell, I would’ve eaten a can of butt cheeks and toenails, at this point! I simply have to put a stop to this. If I keep eating this crap, the Apes will keep buying it!

At breakfast this morning, I took action! Okay, not so much action, more like inaction. I’m intelligent, not ambitious. Instead of running to the kitchen the moment the food can opened, I pretended to be asleep on the couch. I remained still for the “fork banging on the dish” and the inevitable shrieking of that stupid-ass name the Big Hairless Ape has given me. (We’ll get into that another time)

As hungry as I was, I didn’t go near the food. This got easier as the day went on. Do you have any idea what 7-hour-old Tuna & Liver smells like? The Apes were not happy to come home to a stinky house. This was an unexpected piece of revenge I hadn’t counted on, but merrily enjoyed it anyway. Brought a purr to my throat.

Since I wasn’t about to eat what had been served to me, I decided to “live off the land” so to speak. It’s amazing what kind of edible stuff you can find around the house.

Today I had:

• 2 erasers off pencils
• a spider
• half of a potted mum (My breath smelt wonderful after that!)
• a button off the remote control
• a condom (Okay, I didn’t actually eat this! It took 20 minutes just to get it out of the wrapper. Then after an hour of chewing, it still wasn’t ready to swallow, so I gave up.)
• a french fry from under the stove
• 3 ants
• a Dorito chip I found in the couch.

Now that’s what I call a Fancy Feast!

Anyway, I still have a bit of time before the Apes get home. I should probably find something to eat before they get here. I’ve been eying up the goldfish, but I have a feeling I’d get busted on that one. We’ll see…

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour

So, there I was, having my 18th nap for the day when my ears picked up the old familiar sound of a lid being peeled off a can. Dinner time!

Before I was even awake, I was in the kitchen heading to my dish at mach 2 when I hit the brakes.

What the Hell is this? If this stuff even remotely looked like food, there wasn’t enough of it to draw any kind of definite conclusion. I looked up to the Big Hairless Ape just to see him with a look on his face suggesting he’d just did me the biggest favour in the world. Looking to his hand, I saw the food tin: “Fancy Feast – Tuna & Liver”

Lets analyze that label for a moment:

• Fancy: Not really! I’ve buried better looking stuff in my litter box!
• Feast: Yeah, right! I could have eaten 5 of those cans!
• Tuna: I love tuna! I actually have no problem with this.
• Liver: This is likely the source of the foul smell, and the reason why the Tuna no longer tasted quite like Tuna.

Who the Hell came up with this flavour combination? It certainly wasn’t a Cat, that’s for damned sure! No Cat would desecrate the pure fishy flavour of Tuna with the foul taint of Liver.

After a few minutes , it became clear this was all the food I was going to get. Even the dish containing the crunchy stuff was empty. So, I held my nose and dug in.

By the way, do you have any idea how hard it is to hold your nose when all you have at the end of your paws are sharpened claws? My face is a bloody mess! I’m sure it will heal, but I have to eat my way through 11 more cans of this crap.

Oh no… Maybe this is the Fancy part! BRB

{Gorgeous jumps from the desk chair, then heads to the litter box. He returns shortly after and spends 5 minutes licking his butt.}

Funny, that tasted better than dinner! Smelt better too! Oops, forgot something…

{Gorgeous jumps from the chair and heads to the master bedroom. Slowly, he creeps toward the head of the Big Hairless Ape and proceeds to lick his lips until pushed away by a flailing arm. Satisfied, he returns to the desk}

Ha! The Big Haired Wife is always complaining about morning breath. Wait till she gets a load of that!

Anyway, the Ape’s offspring, The Wet One, should be waking up soon. I can’t let the Apes know I use their computer. I best be off…