Well, here I am once again complaining about the food. As if the Fancy Feast fiasco wasn’t enough, the Apes have sunk to a new low.

Imagine my surprise after getting all worked up for my usual 9-Lives to find the slop pictured to the left on my plate.

The damned stuff doesn’t even have a name. The tin is simply marked “Cat Food” on a bland yellow label. And let me tell you, the label isn’t the only bland thing about it. I’ve tasted better stuff stuck to my fur after a trip to the litter box!

So again, I must be creative in letting the Apes know how much I detest the stuff. Since the Apes were off Christmas shopping for the day, I had some time to work out my frustration.

First up was the Cat equivalent of finger painting. With paws covered with this crap, I took a good tour through the living room, making sure I hit all the white upholstery I could find. 

Second was to put a little mystery into the Ape’s lives. I got into the cupboard and removed the labels from these cans and also the labels from the Tuna. At least now I have a 50-50 chance of getting Tuna. I’ll feed the other stuff to ScapeGoat The Dog as he tends to eat first and taste later anyway.

I simply can’t wait for the Apes to make themselves a Tuna sandwich. We’ll see how much they like eating this crap!

The Apes came home after that and blamed ScapeGoat for the mess. Sometimes I just love him! (Not often though!)

Tonight while the Apes are sleeping I’m going to grab the mouse trap I saw in the cupboard and put in on the nightstand where the alarm clock now sits. Should make for an interesting morning.

Moral of this story: Don’t feed crap to Cats!!

Well, I did it. I lasted a whole year without the Apes knowing I use their computer.

I haven’t been able to post much lately as the Big Hairless Ape now takes the LapTop to work with him. Then he comes home and leaves it in that Travel Case. Today I got brave enough and figured out how the case opens.

Zippers! Only an Ape would come up with such a concept. I’ve been terrified of zippers since the day I saw the Big Hairless Ape’s mishap with one of these devices. Why would you put sharp inter-locking metal teeth so close to your genitals? Doesn’t make sense.

Anyway, I faced my fear and got the zippers on the case open. Back online!

After sifting through hundreds of junk emails (What the hell is up with you Apes and the Boner Pills?!!) I thought I should make a post here.

It’s been a while, so I’ll bring you up to speed in point form:

• The Big Hairless Ape is now bigger and more hairless.
• The Big Haired Wife continues to shellac layer upon layer of makeup to her face in a failed attempt to preserve her youth.
• The Wet One isn’t nearly as wet these days but still has his moments. His latest trick is to wipe is runny nose on my fur. I swear! It’d be worth the week outside in the snow just to give that brat a good swat!
• ScapeGoat the Dog is uglier than ever. We have an agreement to stay out of each other’s way. He sticks pretty close to the Big Haired Wife these days.
• The Hamster. Delicious!

I’ll leave you with a list of some of the more popular posts over the year and send out a BIG THANK YOU to everyone for stopping by.

• Day 1239: Fancy Feast My Ass! (The post that started it all)
• Day 1247: Cat Phrases – Explained
• Day 1322: Q & A Interlude #4 (Read this before Q&A #5)
• Day 1324: Q & A Interlude #5
• Day 1338: Security
• Day 1404: The Speed of Tuna
• Day 1437: Pond Reviews

Some silly Ape asks:

• “deer Gorgus. wuz wundering how u learnt to reed?”

{… Gorgeous just shakes his head …}

I bought a self-help book entitled “How To Read”

Here’s a better question: Where’d you learn how to write?

Welcome to the conclusion of the Catlympic Games!

We wrapped up the Power Napping event the other day with one surprising result: Fat Cat is alive! I thought for sure the frying pan to the back of his head was the death of him. But not so! He came around within half an hour causing him to lose the gold.

Here are the new results for the Power Napping event.

• Power Napping – Out Nap your opponents.
  1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Napped for 2 days, 15 hours, 42 minutes, 11.654 seconds. (A mirror was held to her nose several times throughout the event to ensure she was still alive)
  2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. Napped for 1 Day, 3 hours, 22 minutes, 45.431 seconds. No mirror checks here because, well… nobody really likes him enough to care.
  3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Napped(?!) for 27 minutes, 32.345 seconds. Poor thing walks backwards now.

More event results:

• Ape Tripping – Trip the Ape as quickly as you can.
  1. Gold – Fat Cat. Tripped the Ape in 1.253 seconds. Since Fat Cat now walks backwards, this event worked out well for him. The illusion of “walking away” caught the Ape by surprise. This, by the way, is a new world record!
  2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Tripped the Ape in 4.645 seconds.
  3. Bronze – Rusty the Tabby. Tripped the Ape in 5.432 seconds. This was shortly followed by another surprise event.
• Cat Toss – See how far you can get tossed by your Ape.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Peed on the rug causing her Ape to toss her 3.43 meters.
2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. After tripping his Ape in the above event, he ate his Ape’s “stash” causing his Ape to toss him 2.86 meters.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Are you kidding me? His Ape couldn’t lift him, let alone toss him. 0.0 meters!
• Garbage Hunt – Find the tastiest morsel from the Garbage at the curb.
  1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Found a steak bone with meat still attached.
  2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Found half a tin of oysters. These were fairly old and points were deducted due to the horrid smell.
  3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Lost points due to the fact he refused to share his find. Instead, he gulped it down before we could see what it was.

Being Cats, we don’t want to exert ourselves so these are all the events for this year. If you care about standings, add them up yourself. I’m exhausted!

Nap Time…

What? You think Apes have a monopoly on this kind of physical competition? Not so!

Unlike Apes, we Cats hold this event each year. We do not need to train constantly for four solid years. Hell, we can wake up out of a dead nap and still place in the finals.

Since I’m the only Cat in the neighbourhood with a web site, it has fallen to me to report and judge the outcome of these events.

Here are the results:

• Litter Toss – Fling as much sand and nuggets out of the litter box as you can in less than 10 seconds.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Emptied the entire contents in 7.312 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Emptied 83% of the box in 10 seconds.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Took a dump and fell asleep.
• Territory Marking – Mark as much territory (by spraying) as you can in 30 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Marked 4.3m^2 by the Johnson’s duplex. (What a stink!)
2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. Marked 3.8m^2 in front of my house. (Bastard!)
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Didn’t really spray, but the 1.1m^2 puddle he made under himself is still worthy of a medal.
• Upholstery Stripping – Rip as much fabric off the couch as you can in 20 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Ripped 1.3m^2 of fabric.
2. Silver – Fat Cat. Ripped .75m^2 of fabric. This may have been a fluke as he was trying to jump onto the couch, missed, then took the said volume of fabric with him as he fell.
3. Bronze – Rusty the Tabby. Gets an honour medal since this Cat’s house in furnished entirely in wicker. Valiant attempt though!
• Ape Escape – (aka: 100m dash!) An unexpected event which resulted after the Upholstery Stripping.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Outmanoeuvred and escaped the Ape in 3.2 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Escaped in 4.7 seconds but did take a broom to the head.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Poor thing couldn’t get away fast enough. RIP!
• Power Napping – Out-Nap your opponents.
1. Gold – Fat Cat. I know for a fact he will now out-snooze the others now.
2. Silver – To Be Announced. The other Cats are still napping.
3. Bronze - Same deal.

There are other events coming, but the Power Napping event may take a few days.

Stay tuned!