What? You think Apes have a monopoly on this kind of physical competition? Not so!

Unlike Apes, we Cats hold this event each year. We do not need to train constantly for four solid years. Hell, we can wake up out of a dead nap and still place in the finals.

Since I’m the only Cat in the neighbourhood with a web site, it has fallen to me to report and judge the outcome of these events.

Here are the results:

• Litter Toss – Fling as much sand and nuggets out of the litter box as you can in less than 10 seconds.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Emptied the entire contents in 7.312 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Emptied 83% of the box in 10 seconds.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Took a dump and fell asleep.
• Territory Marking – Mark as much territory (by spraying) as you can in 30 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Marked 4.3m^2 by the Johnson’s duplex. (What a stink!)
2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. Marked 3.8m^2 in front of my house. (Bastard!)
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Didn’t really spray, but the 1.1m^2 puddle he made under himself is still worthy of a medal.
• Upholstery Stripping – Rip as much fabric off the couch as you can in 20 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Ripped 1.3m^2 of fabric.
2. Silver – Fat Cat. Ripped .75m^2 of fabric. This may have been a fluke as he was trying to jump onto the couch, missed, then took the said volume of fabric with him as he fell.
3. Bronze – Rusty the Tabby. Gets an honour medal since this Cat’s house in furnished entirely in wicker. Valiant attempt though!
• Ape Escape – (aka: 100m dash!) An unexpected event which resulted after the Upholstery Stripping.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Outmanoeuvred and escaped the Ape in 3.2 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Escaped in 4.7 seconds but did take a broom to the head.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Poor thing couldn’t get away fast enough. RIP!
• Power Napping – Out-Nap your opponents.
1. Gold – Fat Cat. I know for a fact he will now out-snooze the others now.
2. Silver – To Be Announced. The other Cats are still napping.
3. Bronze - Same deal.

There are other events coming, but the Power Napping event may take a few days.

Stay tuned!

This isn’t really a question, but was submitted anyway.

Some silly Ape states:

• “My daddy says cats are useless.”

{… Gorgeous scratches in the litter box while contemplating how to respond …}

Well now! You just tell your daddy that you have the Pool Boy’s eyes!

(Realtors take note: I predict a house coming onto the market shortly.)

Some silly Ape asks:

• “Gorgeous? You still with us? I haven’t seen a post from you in quite some time. I check in every day, but nothing’s new. It’s been a month now and everyday I check. Sometimes a few times a day.

  Hope everything is well with you. I will keep checking back.”

{… Gorgeous skips the litter box tour for this one …}

Two words: Sum – mer!

For crying out loud! Get up! Go outside! Get some air. Where do you think I’ve been.

It’s summer, baby! It’s time for ‘venturing. 

I only come home to use the litter box. I’m sure the Apes really appreciate that.

It’s getting to the point where a Cat simply cannot lounge in a tree without a bunch of Apes making a big fuss. Is it a crime for a Cat to be in a tree? It’s certainly looking that way.

Last week I climbed 3 trees. You know, just a place to chill out and maybe munch on a bird or two.

Each time, the same thing happened. Some stupid Ape would come along, notice me, and say, “Look at that poor Kitty stuck in the tree!” This was shortly followed by the arrival of neighbours, police and firemen determined to get me down.

Stuck in the tree, my ass! I climbed it, and I can certainly get down from it! Why can’t they just let me enjoy my day?

The joke was on them each time. I’d wait until ladders were extended, and blankets were deployed for me to jump into. Just as the firemen got close enough to grab me, I’d turn, climb down the tree, then head home with the sounds of “Stupid Cat!” ringing in my ears.

Stupid, huh? I’m not the one who called every rescue unit in the area for nothing!

In light of this, I now only climb trees for sport; just to see how long it takes for the Apes to “rescue me!”

As much as I love tinned Tuna, there is nothing better than fresh fish.

Thanks to the warmer weather, several of the neighbours have setup a buffet which will provide me with Midnight Munchies for the rest of the summer. There’s nothing better than a meal that not only moves, but tries to escape before you eat it!

In light of this, I though I would post a review of some of the best and worst Ponds in the area for snacking.

• The Pond behind the Johnson’s Duplex (5 out of 5)
• A great shallow pond stocked with many varieties of fish including Koi and Goldfish. A quick flip of the paw usually lands you a tasty treat.
• The Pond by the Smith’s Garden (3 out of 5)
• Algae Warning!! This pond has a good variety of small fish. However, because of the blanket of algae growing there, the fish can be tricky to catch. They hide in the depths under the cover of green. Even if you manage to land a fish, it has that offensive seaweed smell.
• The Pond beside the Miller’s House (0 out of 5)
• This pond is guarded by Satan: The 100lb Rottweiler. I spent an entire night trying to outsmart this monster. I succeeded eventually just to find out that there are NO fish in this pond! Apparently it’s a “Water Garden!” What a waste of time and effort!
• The Pond behind the Jones’ House (2 out of 5)
• Plenty of fish, but way too deep. The poor construction around the edge doesn’t provide for good footing. Not only do I hate swimming, but also the 4-6 hours it takes for my fur to dry.
• The Pond in front of the Verdoux House (1 out of 5)
• French Fish! Yuk!!
• The Pond behind the Fish Store (5 out of 5)
• Now this is a prime feasting location! Hundreds of fish of varying sizes. And the best part is, they re-stock regularly. They even have Tadpoles! Nothing like a fish-like critter that slides down your throat like an Oyster.
• The Pond in the Public Park (0 out of 5)
• Take my advice and stay away from any Public Ponds. Not only are the fish seasoned with Ape Urine, you tend to catch more condoms than anything else.

And always, ALWAYS, do your fishing at night under the cover of darkness. Apparently Apes don’t take kindly to us Cats just helping ourselves.

So I ate a $300 Koi. That’s no reason to beat me senseless with a broom!