Some silly Ape asks:

• “deer Gorgus. wuz wundering how u learnt to reed?”

{… Gorgeous just shakes his head …}

I bought a self-help book entitled “How To Read”

Here’s a better question: Where’d you learn how to write?

Welcome to the conclusion of the Catlympic Games!

We wrapped up the Power Napping event the other day with one surprising result: Fat Cat is alive! I thought for sure the frying pan to the back of his head was the death of him. But not so! He came around within half an hour causing him to lose the gold.

Here are the new results for the Power Napping event.

• Power Napping – Out Nap your opponents.
  1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Napped for 2 days, 15 hours, 42 minutes, 11.654 seconds. (A mirror was held to her nose several times throughout the event to ensure she was still alive)
  2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. Napped for 1 Day, 3 hours, 22 minutes, 45.431 seconds. No mirror checks here because, well… nobody really likes him enough to care.
  3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Napped(?!) for 27 minutes, 32.345 seconds. Poor thing walks backwards now.

More event results:

• Ape Tripping – Trip the Ape as quickly as you can.
  1. Gold – Fat Cat. Tripped the Ape in 1.253 seconds. Since Fat Cat now walks backwards, this event worked out well for him. The illusion of “walking away” caught the Ape by surprise. This, by the way, is a new world record!
  2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Tripped the Ape in 4.645 seconds.
  3. Bronze – Rusty the Tabby. Tripped the Ape in 5.432 seconds. This was shortly followed by another surprise event.
• Cat Toss – See how far you can get tossed by your Ape.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Peed on the rug causing her Ape to toss her 3.43 meters.
2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. After tripping his Ape in the above event, he ate his Ape’s “stash” causing his Ape to toss him 2.86 meters.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Are you kidding me? His Ape couldn’t lift him, let alone toss him. 0.0 meters!
• Garbage Hunt – Find the tastiest morsel from the Garbage at the curb.
  1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Found a steak bone with meat still attached.
  2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Found half a tin of oysters. These were fairly old and points were deducted due to the horrid smell.
  3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Lost points due to the fact he refused to share his find. Instead, he gulped it down before we could see what it was.

Being Cats, we don’t want to exert ourselves so these are all the events for this year. If you care about standings, add them up yourself. I’m exhausted!

Nap Time…

What? You think Apes have a monopoly on this kind of physical competition? Not so!

Unlike Apes, we Cats hold this event each year. We do not need to train constantly for four solid years. Hell, we can wake up out of a dead nap and still place in the finals.

Since I’m the only Cat in the neighbourhood with a web site, it has fallen to me to report and judge the outcome of these events.

Here are the results:

• Litter Toss – Fling as much sand and nuggets out of the litter box as you can in less than 10 seconds.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Emptied the entire contents in 7.312 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Emptied 83% of the box in 10 seconds.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Took a dump and fell asleep.
• Territory Marking – Mark as much territory (by spraying) as you can in 30 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Marked 4.3m^2 by the Johnson’s duplex. (What a stink!)
2. Silver – Rusty the Tabby. Marked 3.8m^2 in front of my house. (Bastard!)
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Didn’t really spray, but the 1.1m^2 puddle he made under himself is still worthy of a medal.
• Upholstery Stripping – Rip as much fabric off the couch as you can in 20 seconds.
1. Gold – Patches the Calico. Ripped 1.3m^2 of fabric.
2. Silver – Fat Cat. Ripped .75m^2 of fabric. This may have been a fluke as he was trying to jump onto the couch, missed, then took the said volume of fabric with him as he fell.
3. Bronze – Rusty the Tabby. Gets an honour medal since this Cat’s house in furnished entirely in wicker. Valiant attempt though!
• Ape Escape – (aka: 100m dash!) An unexpected event which resulted after the Upholstery Stripping.
1. Gold – Rusty the Tabby. Outmanoeuvred and escaped the Ape in 3.2 seconds.
2. Silver – Patches the Calico. Escaped in 4.7 seconds but did take a broom to the head.
3. Bronze – Fat Cat. Poor thing couldn’t get away fast enough. RIP!
• Power Napping – Out-Nap your opponents.
1. Gold – Fat Cat. I know for a fact he will now out-snooze the others now.
2. Silver – To Be Announced. The other Cats are still napping.
3. Bronze - Same deal.

There are other events coming, but the Power Napping event may take a few days.

Stay tuned!

This isn’t really a question, but was submitted anyway.

Some silly Ape states:

• “My daddy says cats are useless.”

{… Gorgeous scratches in the litter box while contemplating how to respond …}

Well now! You just tell your daddy that you have the Pool Boy’s eyes!

(Realtors take note: I predict a house coming onto the market shortly.)

Some silly Ape asks:

• “Gorgeous? You still with us? I haven’t seen a post from you in quite some time. I check in every day, but nothing’s new. It’s been a month now and everyday I check. Sometimes a few times a day.

  Hope everything is well with you. I will keep checking back.”

{… Gorgeous skips the litter box tour for this one …}

Two words: Sum – mer!

For crying out loud! Get up! Go outside! Get some air. Where do you think I’ve been.

It’s summer, baby! It’s time for ‘venturing. 

I only come home to use the litter box. I’m sure the Apes really appreciate that.