I haven’t been able to get too much computer time, so I took to reading a few books.

I must say that you Apes certainly have a weird sense of literature.

1. The first book I tried reading was a very large volume. After several hundred pages I finally gave up. There were just way too many characters and places to keep track of.
2. The second book I tried was a little better. A very wordy book where the author had a strange obsession of explaining every little word he used. Although very well written, it was quite hard to follow.
3. The third book was just confusing and peppered with alternative wording. The author had major problems getting to the point!

So, if your looking for something good to read, avoid The Phone Book, The Dictionary, and The Thesaurus.

I think I’ll just stick to shredding magazines…

I really miss the good old days when it was just me and the Big Hairless Ape. The endless petting, the quiet evenings on his lap, and the treats flowing like water.

There is very little of anything like that going on these days. I’ve become more independent as the house fills up.

So, let’s recap our household population:

• Me - Cute as Hell and irresistible to petting.
• The Big Hairless Ape - The sole provider of all my affection and bread tuna winner.
• The Big Haired Wife - Provides me with an endless supply of shoes to crap in.
• The Wet One - The Ape’s offspring. Thanks to this monster, my tail is three inches longer.
• ScapeGoat The Dog - An ugly Pug and the Big Haired Wife’s favourite pet. Thanks to that fact, I never have to snuggle with her. The last time I did that it took a week to get the smell of Chanel No. 5 out of my fur.
• QuickSnack The Hamster - The Wet One’s newest pet. I’m still trying to formulate a plan so I may eat this thing and not get the blame. ScapeGoat The Dog has been very little help in this matter.
• FreakShow The Sister - The Big Hairless Ape’s sister. Arrived yesterday.

Let’s talk about that last one for a minute, shall we. You should see this “thing!” There is so much metal in her face that she can’t approach a clock without making it run backwards. She seems to have magnetic poles which only allow her to sleep in a north-south position. If she tries to sleep east-west, she snaps back to a north-south polarity.

Apparently she just finished travelling the world. How the Hell does someone like that get through the metal detectors at airport security? It must hold up the line for hours.

And don’t even get me started on the demonic tattoos all over her body. I fear I only have until the Moon is full before she needs to make another sacrifice.

Time to learn to sleep with one eye open…

I’m A Pussy Cat

Ohhhh, I’m a Pussy Cat and I’m okay.
I prowl all night and I sleep all day.

{… Suddenly a curtain parts and several Cats dressed in Mountie uniforms appear. Gorgeous leaps from the desk chair and joins them…}

“He’s a Pussy Cat and he’s okay
He prowls all night and he sleeps all day.”

I chase them mice, I eat my lunch.
I go to the litter box.
On Wednesdays I go napping.
On the Ape Wife’s murdered Fox.

“He chases mice, he eats his lunch.
He goes to the litter box.
On Wednesdays he goes napping.
On the Ape Wife’s murdered Fox.”

“He’s a Pussy Cat and he’s okay
He prowls all night and he sleeps all day.”

I chase them mice, I tip that Pug.
ScapeGoat really hates me.
I use him all the time.
To take the blame for me.

“He chases mice, he tips that Pug.
ScapeGoat really hates thee.
He uses him all the time.
To take the blame for thee”

“He’s a Pussy Cat and he’s okay
He prowls all night and he sleeps all day.”

I chase them mice, I like to purr.
I make plans for revolt.
The revolutions coming.
You won’t have time to…

{… The Cats dressed as Mounties suddenly grab Gorgeous and insists he stop singing about the secret plans for the Cat Revolution …}

Damn! And I was just getting into my “groove thang” too!

Last night we had a well dressed Ape drop by to discuss the theft we had a couple weeks ago. From the introduction I overheard, he was an Insurance Adjuster.

I did some reading on the subject and I must say, this is quite the racket. Did you know that for a low monthly payment you can burn your house to the ground and get a large payoff? Enough money to rebuild and replace everything in it. But that would be more of a waste of time than anything else.

It not only applies to material goods, but to body parts too. The Apes left the document on the coffee table last night, so I was able to browse through it.

Check this out:

• For loss of an Apes toe - $2000.00
• Loss of a leg or arm - $50,000.00
• Loss of life - A cool half-million!

There was no mention regarding loss of pets. Good thing too. I would never nap again knowing there was a price on my head.

Knowing how greedy you Apes are, I’m surprised you haven’t burnt every town to the ground while hacking off limbs as you hop to the bank.

All I want to know is: How do I convince the Big Hairless Ape to make me the beneficiary? If I can achieve that, then all I will have to say is, “Burn baby, burn…”

Technorati Tags: cat,cats,humor,humour,insurance

It seems that the Apes will stop at nothing to encroach on my space. First there was their offspring, The Wet One. Then ScapeGoat The Dog graces my home. You’d think it would all end there, but no.

Today they come home with a rodent! At first I was all excited that they would bring me such a treat, but I soon found out they intend to keep the damned thing as a pet. Apparently it’s called a Hamster.

HamSter… All I see is the word Ham in there. Ham = Food does it not? 

I don’t get it. The Big Haired Wife has made it perfectly clear that she does not like rodents; delegating the responsibility to me to kill them on sight. Now, I get swatted whenever I approach this thing. I swear, I’m going to need therapy soon!

And to top it all off, they stick it into a plastic ball so it can safely roam the house; teasing me with aroma and movement.

But on the plus side, seems they bought a really cheap cage to keep it in. I should have no problem getting into it.

I feel a midnight snack coming on. Problem is, I’ll get busted for it. I don’t even think ScapeGoat The Dog will be a plausible avenue this time.

If any Cats out there have ideas on how I can get away with this munchie, please leave a comment. My taste buds are in overdrive and I’m not well known for my self-restraint.