I’m forever coming across stories of Stupid things that Apes do. I thought I would start a periodical highlighting some of these items.

Today’s story is about a pair of bandits who seem to have a small amount of fashion sense.

Police hunt for robbers wearing thongs as masks

One man wore a green thong and the other wore blue. Each thong barely covered the man’s nose, mouth and chin and left the rest of his face exposed. One also wore a pink backpack in which he stuffed the stolen items.

A few points and questions:

1. Since these thugs are obviously desperate for money, chances are they did not purchase these thongs brand new.
2. Further to the money issue, it’s doubtful these thongs had even been laundered before they pulled this robbery.
3. Are their girlfriends or wives currently wearing masks as underwear?
4. If the thugs have a cold, will they use Panty Shields?
5. How does beard stubble effect delicate materials?
6. Use of thongs in this way would have to be Victoria’s Biggest Secret!

Actually, they may not be so stupid. They’ve seemed to have gotten away with it. Police are still hunting for these guys.

They may want to start their search at some lingerie shops.

I love birds,
From the wild.
Dip them in sauce,
Hot or mild.

I chase them all day,
I chase them all night.
It ticks me off,
When they take flight.

Robins and sparrows,
Are the right size for me.
I’ve also been known,
To chase a crow up a tree.

I kill them for gifts,
I kill them for food.
A dead bird on a pillow,
Sure kills a mood.

Forget the lotions,
Don’t take a pill.
Stiff bird, you need?
I’ll fill the bill.

“The poor little bird!”,
The Apes would scream.
After seeing the body,
which I’ve picked clean.

“You bad Cat!”,
They would always scold.
But what can I say?
Cat food gets old.

Touching story, huh?

Well, let me tell you something. The only reason Libby his helping out this mutt is because he is of some use to this Cat!

It’s like me allowing ScapeGoat The Dog to continue breathing. I hate him, but he has his uses.

Otherwise, Libby would be taking Cashew for a short walk off a tall cliff! Trust me!

Story Credits: Orange County Puppy Raisers

I was in the middle of my 14th nap of the day when I heard the Big Hairless Ape calling my name; asking if I’d like some Tuna.

Before my eyes were even open, I was heading to the kitchen at Mach 2 while thinking, “What a dumb-ass question!” Of course I want Tuna! It’s like asking an alcoholic if they’d like a drink.

I reached my bowl to find it empty. I looked to the Big Hairless Ape to find him holding a sealed tin of Tuna while rummaging around the drawers looking for a can opener.

Are you freaking kidding me? Where I excel in intelligence, I lack in patience. Does he have no sense of urgency? I figure it takes about 30 seconds to open a tin and serve it up in a bowl. We were clearly into minutes at this point.

Finally, I heard the sound of triumph as the Big Hairless Ape pulled a can opener from (you guess it!) the last drawer to be searched.

Just as he was about to open the tin, the phone ran causing him to put down the Tuna to go answer it. Apparently, Apes have no sense of priority. Tuna first, everything else later! I don’t care if it’s the Queen of England calling!

It was time to get serious. As the Big Hairless Ape paced around the living room while talking to his caller, I engaged in a game of “trip the Ape” causing him to stumble a couple times. After an eternity of conversation (an entire 3 minutes!) he hung up and returned to the kitchen with me hot on his heals.

As the opener punctured the tin, I got that first whiff of fish which sent my taste buds into overdrive. With the lid off, I knew I was merely seconds away from feasting. I was wrong!

A knock came from the front door. The Big Hairless Ape went to answer it before filling my bowl. Screw the bowl. The tin was open and I wasn’t waiting any longer. I’m not allowed on the kitchen counter, but desperate times call for desperate measures.

By the time the Big Hairless Ape was finished with the visitor, I was on the couch purring in satisfaction. (Burp!)

Before returning to the kitchen, the Big Hairless Ape looked to me and asked, “Are you ready for that Tuna now?”

I ignored him and put my head down for another nap.

Too slow Amigo! You’ll pay for your lack of speed in a few hours when I look for alternatives to my litter box.

Imagine for a moment if Cats were allowed to run for Office. I am, of course, not talking about just any cat, but Me!

The first thing to go (and would cut government costs at the same time) would be Air-Force One. No Cat in its right mind would ever willingly step onto a plane. I’ve done my fair share of flying… from the end of a boot through windows and doors, mind you, but still it’s not a whole lot of fun!

But what issues would I have? Where would I make things better?

• Tuna would be absolutely FREE!
• Minimum litter depth will be 6 inches. (Going to need it if Tuna is free!)
• Cat Nip will be sold only by the pound… no more of these wimpy ounce baggies from the pet stores.
• Sofas will be known only as scratching posts.
• Apes will catch their own damned mice!
• 18 naps per day – mandatory!
• Apes will sleep on the floor and Cats will get the beds. It’s time to put an end to this argument once and for all!
• No more Mouse Traps! (That piece of cheese was hardly worth the effort!)

{… Gorgeous takes a moment to nurse his swollen paw …}

• Dogs will be ordered to bury themselves in the back yard.
• Cats will not be dunked in water just to see how funny they look when wet. (Really! I mean it! It’s not funny!! Stop it!!)
• Send all troops on a wild goose chase while the Cat Revolution takes over.

Apparently, I’m not the best at keeping secrets. Perhaps government office isn’t the best place for a blabbermouth like me.

Oh well, it was fun to think about for a while.