Imagine for a moment if Cats were allowed to run for Office. I am, of course, not talking about just any cat, but Me!

The first thing to go (and would cut government costs at the same time) would be Air-Force One. No Cat in its right mind would ever willingly step onto a plane. I’ve done my fair share of flying… from the end of a boot through windows and doors, mind you, but still it’s not a whole lot of fun!

But what issues would I have? Where would I make things better?

• Tuna would be absolutely FREE!
• Minimum litter depth will be 6 inches. (Going to need it if Tuna is free!)
• Cat Nip will be sold only by the pound… no more of these wimpy ounce baggies from the pet stores.
• Sofas will be known only as scratching posts.
• Apes will catch their own damned mice!
• 18 naps per day – mandatory!
• Apes will sleep on the floor and Cats will get the beds. It’s time to put an end to this argument once and for all!
• No more Mouse Traps! (That piece of cheese was hardly worth the effort!)

{… Gorgeous takes a moment to nurse his swollen paw …}

• Dogs will be ordered to bury themselves in the back yard.
• Cats will not be dunked in water just to see how funny they look when wet. (Really! I mean it! It’s not funny!! Stop it!!)
• Send all troops on a wild goose chase while the Cat Revolution takes over.

Apparently, I’m not the best at keeping secrets. Perhaps government office isn’t the best place for a blabbermouth like me.

Oh well, it was fun to think about for a while.

Sorry about the lack of posting lately, but I took my New CD on tour! We collected much more footwear, and a few other rather heavy items from bedroom windows. Thanks Again!

However, being out in the fresh Spring air reminded me to inform the Apes that Winter is over.

Yup! Shed-Fest 2008 is upon us! Millions of hairs are in the process of leaving my body in preparation for warmer times ahead.

This is my favourite time of year! Time to coat every surface in the house with Essence Ou Gorgeous! Yup! Hair (and hair balls!) everywhere! I love it!

However, this year turned out slightly different than I expected. The Demon Vacuum From Hell is back. Repaired, upgraded, and more intelligent this time around. It seems to avoid any crippling items I toss at it; leaving them for the Apes to clean up.

Because of my shedding fur, it’s done nothing but follow me around for the last 2 days. It was driving me crazy, but as usual I came up with a plan. Since this thing was so obsessed with my fur then I would just have to make sure it found another source.

ScapeGoat The Dog to the rescue! (Please note I am not proud of this!) I continually rubbed myself up against ScapeGoat, leaving mounds of hair stuck to him. (Pugs actually make a pretty good fur brush!)

It worked with only one draw back. It takes ScapeGoat about an hour to lick himself clean of my hair. At this point, Roomba starts stalking me again.

So my choices at this point are to be Stalked by Roomba or take the risk that ScapeGoat thinks I actually like him because I keep rubbing against him.

Tough call!

Tracks:

1. Prologue (M-E-O-W Part I)…………………2:24
2. Trippin’ The Ape………………………………3:29
3. The V-E-T Took The Best Part Of Me……5:23
4. CatNip Hangover (I Feel Like A Dog)……..1:54
5. Feed Me! (M-E-O-W Part II)……………2:34:07
6. I Purr, Therefor I Am…………………………8:32
7. Furball In The Hallway……………………….3:45
8. Scoop My Litter! (Or Else! Part I)…………11:56
9. P-U-R-R………………………………………56:43
10. Pet Me! (M-E-O-W Part III)……………..7:23:54
11. Let Me Outside (Or Else! Part II)……………4:12
12. Sorry Darlin’ I’m Neutered…………………..0:03
13. Go Away! I’m Napping (Finale)……………..2:41

Bonus Track:

• M-E-O-W / P-U-R-R (Medley)

** This CD was produced and recorded on the Fence Post behind the Johnson’s Duplex at the “2 Till 6 AM Studios”

** Thanks to those who donated all the footwear from the bedroom windows in the neighbourhood during these sessions. It’s nice to know I was heard!

In my pursuit of something good to read, I came across one of The Wet One’s children’s book called, “The Three Little Pigs” A terrifying read of a Wolf who’s stalking three little piglets.

I fell asleep just before getting to the end which inspired a dream…

{… Knowing the Big Bad Wolf was close, Gorgeous puts the finishing touches on his Straw House. “That should keep him out” thinks Gorgeous.

Suddenly out of the trees, the Wolf approaches. “Little kit, little kit, let me in!”

“Not by the fur on my chinny chin chin!” Gorgeous replies.

“I’m gonna huff and puff and blooow your house down!” (What a hot head!)

“Now that’s just ridiculous! How can a Wolf blow a… err… that is…” Gorgeous is suddenly very aware that he’s now standing in the middle of what seems like a hurricane; walls and ceiling crashing down around him.

Later, Gorgeous finishes driving the last nail into his Wooden House. “Let’s see that big ball of wind blow this one down!”

Long story short, the Wooden House suffers the same fate as the Straw House. This Wolf should get a job inflating Zeppelins!

Later again, Gorgeous puts the finishing touches on his Brick House. Satisfied, he decides to catch a quick nap before the Windy Wolf appears again. He’s just about to jump into the bed when he notices it’s occupied… by a Wolf dressed in granny bed cloths.

“Hey! You’re not Little Red Riding Hood!” exclaims the wolf.

“You moron!” Gorgeous retorts. “You’re in the wrong story! You’re supposed to be outside trying to blow this house down!”

“I retired from that story. Why would I blow down a brick house when the back door was wide open? Besides, I thought it would be more fun to dress in Granny Drag and scare children.” the Wolf explains.

Gorgeous smiles uneasily then tosses the house keys to the Wolf. “Knock yourself out then, you fanged freak!” says Gorgeous while slowly backing out of the house…}

Remind me in the future to never read “Pet Cemetery” before bed…

I haven’t been able to get too much computer time, so I took to reading a few books.

I must say that you Apes certainly have a weird sense of literature.

1. The first book I tried reading was a very large volume. After several hundred pages I finally gave up. There were just way too many characters and places to keep track of.
2. The second book I tried was a little better. A very wordy book where the author had a strange obsession of explaining every little word he used. Although very well written, it was quite hard to follow.
3. The third book was just confusing and peppered with alternative wording. The author had major problems getting to the point!

So, if your looking for something good to read, avoid The Phone Book, The Dictionary, and The Thesaurus.

I think I’ll just stick to shredding magazines…